Crumpled Papers and An Empty Casket
by RainaParker
Summary: The plane ride back stateside with a flag draped box was a mostly silent one for them all. It was nearly impossible but at least it was quiet.
1. Chapter 1

It was the way he had always wanted to go. In a blaze of glory, bullets raining down on him. Valor, honor, brotherhood. Clay wasn't sure how he should feel about it. A part of him proud. A part of him angry. All of him devastated... All in, all the time. It was really the best way to describe Sonny. His brother was a true frogman...was... that would take time to get used to saying. As he ripped another sheet out of the notebook he took a breath.

He wondered if Sonny knew what hell it would be to write this... his eulogy. Clay tried again. Stopped again when his tears blinded him...again. He wasn't sure how this task had fallen to him. He had done Swanny's... was this now his role on Bravo?

Was it now his job to write the last meaningful words spoken about his brothers? His heart hurt. His brain hurt. He had two more days to write this and there was nothing left to say. How do you sum up a life in a paragraph or two? How do you say everything the person was in a line spoken in front of an empty casket? How do you know you failed at the most important job you've ever had and still stand up there? He tore another paper from the pad and threw it to the floor.

The rest of the guys had known Sonny longer but Sonny had chosen him for this. He absently wondered if it had been done when he first joined Bravo. Maybe this was a 'fuck you' from before they were brothers. It seemed like a Sonny thing to do. It also seemed to Clay that any of them would have been better at this. Ray could talk about him being in a better place, Trent could talk of his loyalty, Brock of his selflessness, Jace could go on for days about him being a pain in the ass but the one you wanted beside you. Clay was at a loss for words even with six languages to speak from and another crumpled paper hit the floor.

He thought of all the moments with his brother. The laughter and tears that they would never admit to sharing. He was gripped with the crushing weight of knowing there would be no more. This would be his last. Writing this eulogy. Clay reached for the bottle of whiskey Sonny had given him on his last birthday and threw the entire notebook to the floor. He would write tomorrow. Tonight he would get good and drunk and remember Sonny.

Sonny with his brashness. Always willing to say what everyone else chose to think. Brutal honesty as he called it. Sonny with his loyalty, always willing to show up no matter when, where, or why if a brother called. Sonny with his Texas sized heart. He'd tell it like it was but he'd also consult Cosmo to help a friend. And now all of that was gone. Clay was sure he had ever felt more alone, not when Brian had died or when his father had abandoned him with people he hardly knew a world away. A part of him half expected a text or a call from Sonny telling him to 'buck up buttercup' but no such call would ever come again. He let the tears slide down his face as the whiskey went down his throat. He wasn't sure if the burning in his chest was from the alcohol or the overwhelming grief and he supposed it didn't matter as he finished the glass.

The pounding on his door hours later both startled him and for an instant made him forget. For a split second the only person brash enough to knock that way was Sonny... except it wasn't. Shuffling to the door he glanced around at the mess he had allowed.

"Clay, you answer your damn phone. That understood?" The words were out of Jason's mouth before he had time to see the empty bottles, take-out containers, and notebook papers scattered around. Before he looked at Clay and saw the disheveled heep that stood before him. His eyes rimmed in red, bloodshot and glazed over. His pants unbuttoned and shirt wrinkled from sleep. The pillow lines on his face. Jason's heart broke for what felt like the hundredth time in just a few days.

"Understood, Boss. Sorry I was uh asleep." Clay held the door ajar trying to shield himself and the mess.

"Passed out more like. You think I've never had this conversation before Kid? I've had it more times than I can count... mostly with him." Jason looked passed Clay into his apartment. "The guys are gonna be at my house at noon. I expect you there."

"Roger that." Closing the door was a relief. Looking to the clock on his coffee maker he realized he had about three hours to get himself together. To face the others. In the four days since Bravo 3 was lost he had managed to mostly avoid his other brothers. Turned in on himself and built up some of the walls Sonny had helped demo. The plane ride back stateside with a flag draped box was a mostly silent one for them all. It was nearly impossible but at least it quiet. Everyone else had gone home to someone or bunked together to avoid the isolation of grief but using the eulogy as an excuse for needing space he went home alone. He supposed his time was up now though.

Clay thought back to the time after Manila and how many times he had ignored his brothers, specifically Sonny. Technically he thought he could do that again. They were pulled from rotation and didn't really have to be anywhere until the funeral. Jason would kill him but as he looked at the whiskey bottle it was a real consideration.

Reaching for the discarded pad of paper on the floor he wondered if the words would come this morning. It was doubtful as he stared at the blank page before him. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he'd do this and there were no words just crumpled papers and an empty casket.


	2. Chapter 2

Cerberus whined and sat at the smell of explosives on his humans when they had returned. He went from one to the other until he stilled. The hollow howl from the dog startled them all. It was as if he realized there was a brother missing. Brock would never forget that mournful sound. Even days later the dog was not himself. Refusing to eat and barely drinking.

"How's our boy doing?" Trent looked to Brock who was sitting on Jason's couch the dog at his feet.

"Not great. Still not really eating." Brock had been granted permission to take Cerb to the services but with no body he wasn't sure Cerb would ever understand.

"Clay still not here?" Jason was annoyed but more than that he was worried. It was almost an hour past when he had told the Kid to show.

"Haven't seen him yet." Ray stood to answer the knock on the door. "Hey Davis. Come on in."

She walked in with purpose. Her head high, nodding a greeting, and her arms full of paper grocery bags. Once in the kitchen she started finding everything she would need to cook. Lisa knew she had to be here, for Bravo, for Sonny, and for herself but that didn't make any of this any easier. She had finally managed this morning to take off his t-shirt and shower before putting on her own clothing for the first time since being home, but they couldn't know that. They couldn't know that her heart was broken in the way only a lover's heart could break. They couldn't know that many of her tears were tears of anger. He had promised to come back 'You gotta know I always come back.' She was mad, the type of livid you could feel in every heartbeat, but they couldn't know.

Emma's presence startled her slightly as the young blonde reached forward to stir pasta sauce Lisa had forgotten. "Lisa, you with me?" Her first name was rarely used, usually reserved for his lips. Her breath caught at the sound of it.

"Sorry Em, lost in thought." She wasn't lying and she wasn't elaborating. The girl's eyes were so much like her father's sometimes and as they bore down on her Lisa couldn't help but squirm a bit.

"Emma, I'm going to Clay's to drag his ass here. Keep an eye on things for me?" Jason phrased it as a question but it was for of a statement.

"Dad, maybe you shouldn't? I mean maybe he just wants to be alone?" Emma looked at him with experience and expertise in her eyes. She knew grief.

"You're right Ems... I just don't like it." Jason's eyes met his daughter's.

"Food is almost ready." Lisa dreaded sitting down to a meal with Bravo, almost all of Bravo. She didn't need to. The meal was barely touched and the conversation almost nonexistent. The dread of the next day eating at them all. More encompassing than any of them would admit.

Clay realized he had intentionally and unintentionally missed the gathering at Jason's house about three hours after it started. The lack of notification from his phone or pounding on his door confirmed that his brothers had accepted it. He hadn't wanted to go. He knew he should go but then he started writing and the hours had slipped away from him. Whether Sonny's intent had been to screw him or not he no longer cared. He would do this for the man.

The choice wasn't his but as he layed in bed knowing what the next day would bring he couldn't but wonder how they moved on from this. How they continued to function as a team, a unit, as brothers after this loss. He thoughts drifted to Sonny telling him the teams were the best choice he had ever made and his eyes became heavy. Sleep eventually found him.

In the restlessness of night he tossed and turned. He woke for what felt like the thousandth and final time between 5 and 6. His dreams to painful to return to he brewed himself coffee. The vanilla cream tasted too sweet on this bitter morning. The hot water of his shower did nothing to ease the tension in his tired muscles and looking at the roadmap of scars down his leg he was grateful he hadn't been alone when he thought it was the end. He hoped Sonny had gone quickly as he put on his dress uniform. Hoped he hadn't felt alone. It made his stomach turn and the too sweet coffee tasted sweet and sour as it came back up.

Pulling up at the church he saw Bravo standing with Davis and Blackburn and a group of people that could only be Sonny's family. They were milling about possibly apprehensive to enter the building and he would wait until they did to exit his car. He would walk in alone, sit in the back, speak when it was his turn and leave as soon as it wouldn't be deemed rude to do so. He would do this for Sonny but he could only do so much, not enough. It would never be enough now. His heart shattering like glass hitting the floor he slipped into the church and listened to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks play over the sound system. He sat there praying he wouldn't laugh at the song choice and wondered how much of this Sonny had actually planned himself. He couldn't help the chuckle that escaped and stood looking for an exit hoping against hope that it would seem that he was overcome with grief instead of hysterical laughter.

On the church lawn as the service started Clay pulled himself together. He was hungover and in pain but he steeled himself anyway. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath and walked back inside to say his goodbye.


	3. Chapter 3

Clay stood at the front of the church with shaking hands hoping his voice wouldn't shake. Bravo sat together in the front with the Quinn family. Davis was practically holding up a woman Clay imagined was Sonny's mother. He stood looking out at the family gathered before him, both Naval and Biological. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath he reminded himself that this was for Sonny.

"Sonny wrote in his last will and testament that he wanted me to do this... I have spent the last two days trying to figure out what to say, written page after page and then thrown them away. Should I stand here and tell you that he was brave, loyal, and determined? You all already know that, don't you? Should I talk about his love for Texas or his county? Should I tell you how much he loved his job, how much he loved being the last resort? If you've spent five minutes with him, you know that. You can see now why I wrote page after page and none of them were worth the paper they were written on." Clay paused, swallowed, looked toward the church bells above him. "Sonny was my brother. He always had some stupid nickname to drive me nuts. He could find the most minor thing to go on for days about. He was constantly up for a bar trip... even outside the wire... but that's not a story my CO or his Mama needs to hear." Clay paused for the laughter in the crowd. "Sonny was the big brother your parents wanted you to be like in so many ways and would then tell you to stop acting like in the next breath. He knew a good time when he saw one... but there was another side to him too... a side that left me voicemails everyday when I was hurt and ignoring him. One who texted me daily affirmations he must have gotten from a magazine. He didn't always know how to show his love but he showed it in his own way...uh... sorry..." Again he took a shaky breath and tried to continue. "Sonny could calm a room of hysterical hosta-people or help you move a couch with the same attitude. He knew he was good and would tell you but wouldn't really take a compliment. He was one of the best..." Clay stopped to let a tear run down his face not bothering to try to hide it. "One of the best people I have ever known and I'm so lucky he was my brother. I was supposed to be with him and I should... in the Philippines there was a boy... Sinto. He was searching for his brother and I" Shoulders shaking and gasping a bit Clay lost the composure he was desperately clinging to "I know now. I know." Clay walked to the back of the church with his head down avoiding the eyes of Bravo that he knew were seeking his eyes. He couldn't bare to look at Bravo, not without Sonny.

The service continued as Clay sat in the last pew trying to pull himself back together. Putting yourself together with a missing piece isn't always possible though and he was struggling to reconfigure himself without the piece that was Sonny Quinn. He listened to the hymns and the sermon or rather heard there was noise happening around him. He wasn't actually present for it he realized when he looked up to an empty church and Bravo standing near. They didn't say anything, just stood waiting for him to be ready to leave.

He looked to Trent who was the only one actually looking at him. "Coffee?" Trent had no way to know his last coffee had come right back up on him.

"Whiskey?" The rest of Bravo looked to their youngest.

"Clay it's Noon." Ray always the voice of reason.

"Your point Ray?" No one expected the response from Brock but it did get a smile from both Jason and Clay.

They sat in his favorite bar with a bottle of Maker's Mark from the owner with his condolences. They told stupud Sonny stories and slipped into silence. Alternating between laughter and tears as the hours passed.

Eventually Davis entered the bar. She wasn't expecting Bravo to be there but also wasn't surprised by them. She wore a cardigan sweater that was too big and pulled it closed to cover Sonny's t-shirt as she approached them.

"It was a nice service..." it's what people said and she was at a loss for anything more.

"Sonny would have hated it." Trent couldn't help but laugh.

"He would have." Jason's laughter mingled Trent's and the others couldn't help joining.

Clay watched as they laughed at Sonny's funeral service and knew that he was gone but somewhere he was probably laughing with them.


	4. Chapter 4

The weight across is chest was warm and comforting. The small child clung to him as he slept and he tried to remain still to not wake the little boy. The boy had been with him for days. He wasn't sure where the child had come from or why they were together but he vaguely remembered it being important to 'look out for the Kid.' This must be the kid in question.

The boy was small, if he was forced to guess he would say 3 or 4 years old but he was also so thin he looked older in the face. His dark hair and eyes against pale skin made him look almost ghostly. His ears stuck out from his head and in combination with his clinging he had earned the affectionate nickname Monkey from the man.

He didn't speak just clung to the larger body. The man wasn't sure if the child could speak. He had known children before, he was sure, and this one wasn't like the others. Monkey had a haunted look in his eyes that the man couldn't place. He was sure he had seen the look before but didn't know when or where. Sometimes he dreamed of a dark night with scared children clinging to him and the smell of smoke. He wondered if it were real, if that is when he first found Monkey.

If he were honest with himself the man wasn't sure of most things. He wasn't sure where he was or how he had gotten there. Didn't know the year and most alarming couldn't seem to remember his own name. That was a little scary but the small boy with him depended on him to remain strong. He would look out for the kid, he just wished he knew who had tasked with the care of the kid. He could clearly rememberthe voice telling him... bits and pieces of the conversation.

What he knew was that he and Monkey had been in this room for days maybe weeks. Twice a day something he was sure was supposed to be food was pushed through a small window. He ate some of it but mostly fed the child. Ate just enough himself to survive. He could cope with the hunger and knew the satisfied child would be easier to care for. It must have been weeks because as time went on the boy was less thin, no longer did every bone in the child show. Monkey seemed to be growing even in this small room without enough light. It made the man happy. He would talk to Monkey but the child either didn't poccess the ability to speak or simply didn't understand him. He told the boy about places he thought he might remember. The beach. And a coffee shop he was sure he had enjoyed sitting on the balcony of sipping coffee. He told the child about the nighttime stars. He sang him 'twinkle twinkle little star' on one occasion and for the first time he heard Monkey laugh. He had scoped the boy into his arms and held the laughing child as he himself allowed his laughter to echo on the rock walls and his tears streamed down his face. This little Monkey, the Kid he was tasked with caring for, made everyday bearable. He would survive whatever this was for his little Monkey-man. This voiceless child became the man's reason.


	5. Chapter 5

Monkey was growing and seemed to know the man cared for him. He would smile freely at the man now. His lack of dental care obvious to the man as his baby teeth looked broken and rotted but that didn't stop the boy from eating. It was after what felt like months that Monkey mimicked the words to "twinkle, twinkle." The man was so happy to hear another human voice but also to hear his Monkey speak that he cried and cried trying not to scare the boy. The boy giggled and squirmed in his arms.

The man had become accustomed to their keepers, their captors, and the schedule that was kept became quite predictable. He had thoughts of escape but couldn't leave the child or guarantee that escape would be better for the boy. His Monkey seemed to be thriving now and risking death or starvation in the unknown wasn't something the man could bring himself to do. This was their life and as long as the boy was smiling the man would endure. He had resigned himself to this life, if only for this child, but the urge to fight was one he struggled with daily. A part of him knew he could. The thought of ending the life of these men didn't scare him as much as he thought it should. The Monkey was the only reason these men still lived.

That was until they spent three days without food. They were provided only water. Monkey cried from the hunger pains and it seemed the memory of other times of hunger. There was a fear in the child that the man had not seen before. A rage grew in the man and he decided he owed the boy a chance. He thought of it in the night as he rocked the hungry child and hummed to keep him calm. The next day would be their last in this cell.

As he planned for their escape the man began to hear noises from outside their cell. The sounds were startling but not unfamiliar to him. Machine guns, mortars, and RPGs he was certain. He spent the hours as the battle moved closer wondering who he had once been and how the knowledge of war was with him.

It was nearing Dawn when the building was shelled. The man placed himself over the Monkey to protect him and prayed to a God he wasn't sure existed in places like this. He felt like he had once known someone who would be proud that he was praying but brushed off the thought, the voice in his head. All he could do now was hold the crying boy and hope he would be allowed to watch the child grow into a man.

And then the door opened. Before him stood an armed man but the man was not one of his captors and he instantly knew this man was a friend. The man motioned for him to follow and grabbing the Monkey he did. The boy clung to his back as the man ran across the rocky ground trying to see in the brighten daylight.


	6. Chapter 6

In the days, weeks, and months since Sonny's death Bravo figured out how to function without him. They were operational again with the addition of Full Metal to their team on a semi permanent basis. It was on the one year anniversary of Sonny's death that Clay realized who his best friend had been to Davis. He had accidentally overheard a cemetery conversation he would take to his own grave. He wanted to tell her he knew but couldn't ever figure out how so as the following months passed he pushed it to the back of his mind.

Trent was out to dinner with a 'friend' he had occasionally been spending time with when his phone notified him that his night was over. Ending the date he headed for base hoping this wasn't another bullshit mission that brass used to test the team. It had been over 15 months since they lost Bravo 3 and it was getting old.

Jason was waiting for the coffee to finish brewing as Clay half stumbled into the briefing room. "Hope it's a long flight." It was the only comment necessary. Davis nodded and then shook her head at Spenser's drunkenness.

Brock and Cerb played tug of war as Trent, Ray, and Full Metal arrived. Davis joined Blackburn at the front of the room as he started to speak.

"Listen up boys. We have a credible threat that a small ISIL splinter cell is operating in Iran and planning an attack on US troops and aid workers in Iraq. We cannot make our presence known... we get in and out, eliminate the threat and exfil. This is black ops boys so, you know the drill." Blackburn spoke with decisiveness. "This is pretty immediate so get your gear and head to the airfield unless you have anything to add Davis?"

"Actually I do have something. There is a small and somewhat unorganized group of Kurdish fighters also in the area. Lets remember that these people are our allies. Additionally I do have some reports of at least one Westerner in the area. We don't know who the man is or who is aligned with." She started putting papers away and readying her laptop for the trip.

"A westerner? How'd we know 'at?" The slurring in Clay's words didn't go unnoticed by anyone in the room.

"A German aid worker reported that a white man brought in a young child to a clinic on the Iraqi border. The child was underweight and seemed to have some sort of disability the aid workers were unprepared for. The man didn't attempt to speak to any of them, didn't respond in the various local languages tried, German, English, French, or Russian. The boy was quite ill and had a high fever. They stabilized him and attempted to explain to the guy that the child needed further care. In the morning they were gone and so were a lot of medical supplies." She finished packing and looked up.

"What supplies?" Trent was both curious but also thought it might be a clue to who the man was not sure if it would be important.

"Maybe the dude is just quiet... some people are." The room erupted at Brock's statement.

"IV fluids and tubing, pressure dressings, Kerlix gauze, Hemcon bandages, 14 gauge catheters, nasal trumpet...whatever that is, morphine, antibiotics, the list is long. Apparently he cleaned them out."

"Umm guys that's my kit." Looking over the list of items was slightly terrifying to him. "Whoever this guy is he's preparing for a battle."

"Good, maybe he'll deal with the shit before we get there." Clay had his head on the table as his buzz wore off.

"Or maybe he's working with ISIL and we're walking into a hornets nest." Jason's tolerance for Clay's behavior was starting to wear thin.

"Either way let's get in the air." Full Metal hated when the tension was this thick and it seemed to be getting thicker by the day.

Clay slept on the plane only to wake in a sweat in his hammock thinking of Sonny dying alone. The swinging of his hammock did nothing to tame the nausea that the dream and alcohol were causing. Closing his eyes he wished he had drank enough tonight to actually pass out, there was no way Trent would give him an Ambien with his current BAC.

Jason thought back to their last deployment to Iraq and the loss it had caused...was still causing. He wondered aimlessly if Clay could handle this operation. If landing in Iraq and hiking across the border would be too much for the Kid.

Trent checked and rechecked his supplies. The knowledge that someone had replicated his kit was eating at him. He was very specific and there were only a few differences between the two kits, which could most likely be explained by availability.

Brock curled up next to Cerb who sensed the tension in his humans. The dog was on edge and so was his human. Brock wanted this over, he had a bad feeling. Bad juju as Sonny would have said.

Ray had said a few extra prayers lately. He considered pulling Clay aside and talking to the Kid. The last time he had told Jason the blackeye was from sparing at the gym though and it was doubtful the Master Chief would believe that lie a second time.

Full Metal slept soundly as the C-17 started it's descent. Blackburn woke Bravo Team and walked toward Davis as the tail of the plane lowered. The heat radiated into the plane. It was going to a very long day again.


	7. Chapter 7

The hike was gruelling but also sobering for Clay. As they trekked on he felt more and more aware that not only were Jason and Ray's eyes on him but the entirety of Bravo. He was not the first one to show up at a briefing intoxicated and he wouldn't be the last but he was the one who got the 'look' because of it and it was more than irritating. The 'look' was the reason Stella and him hadn't worked again. There was just no point in coming home to someone who not only didn't understand but also judged him. He stumbled a bit as he walked and again recieved the 'look.'

"Let's take 5 and hydrate." Jason was annoyed.

"Havoc base to Bravo 1. How copy?" Davis broke through the silence.

"Good copy Havoc. Go ahead." Jason's voice was agitated but not at her.

"You are nearing a small village. We believe it to be the Kurdish fighters in the region but there appears to be an enemy force surrounding it. Brass is advising you change course to avoid a potential firefight."

"Thought they were allies?" Clay questioned the choice.

"Not our call brother, mission comes first." Ray put a hand on Clay's shoulder.

"And if the enemy force is the ISIL cell we're here for?" Clay's words slipped out before he could stop them. "That village full of women and children?"

"Not our call. We change course." Jason's words meant to end the argument. "Havoc can you reroute us around the village?"

"Or maybe figure out who the hell is attacking who? You know get us some actual intel?" Clay's eyes burned with the fire of injustice.

"ENOUGH! Bravo 6 stand down."

"Bravo 1 this Havoc. We have a clear path 8 clicks east. And Jace, get your men under control." Blackburn's voice cut through comms and the tension. As he spoke Davis pulled up images of the area in an attempt to stop a massacre within the village but also help put Clay at ease.

"Eric I think Clay is right. The village does have multiple fighting aged males but it has women and children as well. The men surrounding it... they have more firepower and appear to be the tangos we are here for..." Her words stopped Eric short as he reached for a satellite phone.

"Bravo 1 hold your current position as we look into 6's theory." Davis advised.

Jason's eyes met Clay's with both annoyance and admiration. The Kid had spiraled in the last year and a half but at his core he would always be the one to question everything and fight like hell for the little guy. So while he was frustrated as hell fighting with the Kid daily he would continue to stand by the kid and hope things improved.

Clay didn't necessarily want to be right but something deep inside him told him that village needed them. In his heart he was drawn to the place. A longing for battle maybe, a true fight after so many inconsequential missions he assumed. And then Havoc confirmed they would be going into the village.

The sounds of the battle came shortly after they got the green light. They needed to pick up the pace. Running in full gear wasn't his favorite thing to do but when required he was more than capable and willing. The plan was simple they would surround the ISIL fighters that were currently surrounding the Kurdish village. It would divide the force and give the Kurds a chance but it also risked the Kurds firing on them with no way to communicate the plan to the villagers.

Clay went high as he had so many times before. Taking out as many fighter as he could while the rest of Bravo focussed on the same objective. The devastation in the village was already clear to them all as the echo of screaming women and children sounded along with the constant gunfire.

The man had one purpose in this fight, to protect Monkey. The villagers called the child Royar and sometimes he did as well but he mostly referred to the boy as Monkey still and planned to continue to do so. The boy was hidden in the village below as he climbed higher on the mountain. He hated leavung the child but knew both of their chances were better this way.

The sight of the blonde man with a sniper rifle firing down towards the village shocked the man. He wasn't expecting it and while the sight of the man made his heart leap with a stange sense of familiarity he knew he couldn't let the man continue. He also didn't think he could kill this man. Something within him, maybe a memory, told him this man was a hostage not a causality.

Clay felt the barrel of the gun on the back of his head before he knew anyone had approached. His heart and gun dropped at the same time. The fist holding the back of his collar didn't allow for movement. His hands raised above him in surrender wondering why he was still alive. His was roughly pulled to his feet and pushed forward. The village he felt a longing to help in front of him he took a step and the urging of the fist and gun.


	8. Chapter 8

Clay stumble into the now quieted village with his hands held high and no idea when his death would come. The man fisting his collar made no attempt to speak. Clay had tried Arabic and a few Kurdish words on the chance that he had been mistaken for ISIL. His rambling had no effect. What does is his silence after repeated calls from Bravo and Havoc. He has no way to answer them without lowering his hand and potentially losing his life so he walks on.

"Bravo 1 be advised we have eyes on Bravo 6. He's being led into the village by a fighting aged male... gun to his head." Lisa's words were desperate as she watched Clay be pushed forward by the man whose head covering concealed not only his identity but also his allegiance in this fight.

"Copy Havoc we have made contact with the Kurds in the village" Jason was surrounded by brutality of this battle. The village was decimated by standing tall before them an elderly man stood. If only 6 wasn't currently occupied they might have had some way to communicate.

Ray stepped forward attempting some of the Farsi his beautiful wife spoke. The man smiled at his attempt and using broken words tried to talk to him. As they struggled to explain their youngest's predicament they heard Clay's voice desperately trying to speak to his captor.

Turning towards the men the five remaining members of Bravo lowered their guns to Clay's widening eyes. The old man stepped forward and Ray translated to his best ability to the group. "Karza, these men are friends... Bira... I don't know what that means."

"It means brothers in Kurdish Ray." Clay's ability to translate with a gun digging into his scalp was calming to them all.

"Brothers..." The grip on him loosened as the breathy but familiar voice spoke for the first time.

The cries of a child echoing through the village caused the man to completely let go of Clay. The boy was running and hysterical as he yelled "Bavo, Bavo, Bavo." The man went against every instinct, he didn't know where he learned, and turned his back to the armed men as the child ran into his arms. The man held the child as if his life depended on it because in this moment he felt it did.

Jason had lost his breath and was bent over hands on knees gasping. Trent stood in shock trying to remember to count his breaths and repeating 'breathe, Trent, just breathe' to himself. Cerb was pulling at his lease and causing Brock to go to his knees on the rocky ground to gain control of the dog. Full Metal swore and turned away. Clay sunk to the ground wondering if he had was hallucinating or if he had actually died on the hill above. Ray stood for a moment contemplating "Bravo 2 to Havoc we have a situation."

"Havoc to 2 go ahead." Davis responded.

"Not on the radio." Clay's words stopped Ray from responding.

"Calling in for Blackburn." Ray responded at the pleading look from Clay.

The man sat holding Monkey feeling as though he were being ripped in half. This child of his had been his reason for so long but these men that surrounded him... they were something to him, what he wasn't entirely sure. He felt as though he should comfort the blonde he had decided not to kill in the same way he held his Monkey now and that longing confused him.

The old man, the elder of these people, moved forward. Speaking slowly in Farsi he was attempting to explain who the man Karza was. He was looking to Ray as he spoke but in his overwhelmed state while tryingg to explain to Blackburn their situation Ray was ignoring him. Clay finally connected the dots and looked up at the man then around to his brothers "Bavo... it means Daddy. Right?" He looked to the old man and then to Sonny. "The boy called you Daddy?"

The man turned to the blone who had moments ago been his prisoner. He nodded his head while still holding the weeping boy who's breath was hitching. Looking into the broken blue eyes of the blonde he slowly stood as the boy clung to him.

The language these men spoke was the same one that Bavo spoke to him when they were alone. The boy looked up at the men. They reminded him of Bavo in the way they stood and they all had the same look in their eyes. "Bira." The child mumbled to Bavo as he loosened his grip. "Twinkle, twinkle little star how I wonder what you are..." Monkey sang the song to his Bavo and to the other men.


	9. Chapter 9

Lisa's breath caught in her throat and she suddenly felt the need to vomit as she heard Blackburn yell "What the fuck do you mean you found Bravo 3?" into the satellite phone. The air felt like it had been sucked from their moblie TOC on the C-17. Her world began to spin and she grabbed the table in an attempt to stabilize herself. The arm reaching for her helped as her eye's met Mandy's.

Eric hung up the phone and was immediately on another call. There would be so many calls today. All Lisa could think of was all the times she had wanted to call her Cowboy in the time since he 'died' and all the conversations she had imagined sharing with the man.

Hanging up the call Ray and Jason turned back to the others. Trent had moved closer to Sonny and the young boy. "Hey he uh has some scratches on him. You mind if I take a look?" Trent moved and spoke slowly as if he were approaching a wild animal. The boy was smiling at him but the man, his brother, was not. As Trent openned his med kit Sonny's eyes softened. "Saw the list of things you took... you did a good job duplicating it." Trent smiled at him still barely moving forward. And then Sonny nodded and shifted to grant Trent access to the child.

Clay sat ass on the ground, knees up with his elbows propped and his head in his hands. Unmoving. Not speaking. Trent glanced over towards him wondering if the Kid was in shock but trying to focus on the actual child in front of him and the man watching him intently as he poured saline down the child's leg.

The old man moved closer to Clay and knelt beside him. Speaking a language only the two understood. He mumbled for a few minutes and then rose. Clay looked up to Jason with tears drying on his face. "They found him as a prisoner in an ISIL camp. The boy was with him. They believe the child was spared from a nearby massacre 6 months before they were found but can't be certain. That was a year ago. He's been with them since. His name here is Karza 'the expert' because he immediately began cleaning guns when he got here. The boy they call him Royar. They rescued them at dawn and started calling him that... it means where the sun also rises. He said the boy is Kurdish but belongs with Sonny. That they have chosen each other and the villagers give their blessing for him to return to his father's people now." Clay was shaking and whispering to not be overheard.

"Well shit." Jason sighed and reached for his radio. "Havoc this is Bravo 1. We are moving to exfil with 2 extra bodies. How copy?"

"Jace, you're assuming he wants to come with us... no one has actually talked to him and he's not actually talking." Brock was still sttuggling to contain Cerb.

Jason nodded at Brock and Ray who was now standing next to Clay. Full Metal was standing further away watching the perimeter with the Kurdish villagers while Bravo figured out the next step.

"Bravo 4, what do we have?" Knowing Trent was the only even slightly interacting with Sonny his opinion was the most valuable.

"Boy is good. Some scraps, nothing major, looks like he took a spill and git some road rash." Trent's response wasn't the one any of them were looking for and he knew that.

"Thank you." Sonny's eyes met his with a recognition he was expecting. "When do we move?" There was resignation in the look. This was the next step for his Monkey. He didn't know what the other side of this looked like for him but the child deserved better and while he wasn't entirely sure why he trusted these men to accomplish that. They were strangers he knew he should know.

Rising he lifted the child with one arm and his gun with the other. He was instantly aware of the looks of caution from the men surrounding him. The gun had last been pointed at one of their own. He wouldn't be allowed to keep it so he handed it to the old man still lingering closely.

The blonde man was still sitting as the others prepared to leave and for an unknown reason this caused him guilt. He was sure he hadn't actually hurt the man but he was obviously broken by the incident. He wasn't sure how to fix it but deep inside knew he had to try as he extended a hand to the man. Wrists linked he helped lift him to his feet.

"Thanks, Sonny." His name leaving Clay's lips brought back flashes of memory. This man was his brother he was sure of that now.

"Anytime Brother." Confusion flashed across his face as he said it not sure why he felt so bonded to this man but he was sure the man felt the same way. "Is it Clay?" The other men all turned to watch the interaction as Sonny said his name.

Clay lowered his head to hide his tears. He wasn't sure how to feel. Thrilled, elated, devastated. It was the best day of his life and possibly the worst as he thought of all the time lost and all his brother had gone through. Looking up to meet Sonny's eyes he simply said "Yeah, it's Clay."


	10. Chapter 10

The hike out was worse than the hike in. It always seemed that way to Clay. He wasn't sure if it was that he was tired from the fight and his adrenaline crashing or if going toward the fight just made it easier. Either way he was dead tired and occasionally stumbling.

"You good?" Sonny's voice slowed the pace they were hiking and caused Trent to turn toward their youngest.

"Yeah, no, maybe?" He wasn't sure of anything anymore but he was sure he didn't have the energy for this conversation.

"Let's break for 10." Jason knew his men well enough to know they needed more time. More time to simply look at Sonny. More time to breathe before they were surrounded by others. Just more time.

Trent handed Clay some water and stood back trying to decide if this was more than emotions and needed to be addressed but he had to assume that if there was something more wrong Clay would have said. Sonny for the most part hung back away from the others with the small boy wrapped around his back. At the break the child shifted and wiggled wanting freedom from his grasp. Once allowed to roam he ran to the sitting Clay and smiled looking down on him. Clay moved slightly leaning back and the child lunged forward his hands reaching for Clay. Sonny was there in an instant, not removing to boy but standing by watching. For the first time he could remember the man felt safe and more than that he felt that his Monkey was safe. It was a strange feeling watching the boy interact with heavily armed men and knowing that these men would do anything to keep the child safe.

His sole mission had always been to protect the child but now as he watched he couldn't help the confusion he was feeling. The boy had been his everything but now there was more. There was the blonde man sitting near and he suddenly felt the need to care for him. He had thought about before many times but now there were faces, voices, and feelings that came with the before. The image of a woman filtered into his mind. She had been with him since waking with the boy so long ago. He could picture her smile and hear her laugh. Her dark eyes meeting his as she leaned into him. The warmth of her beside him. It all felt so real to him but he also felt as though he had imagined her. That she was his mind's way of not feeling so alone with the boy. He wanted to ask these men but couldn't... He wasn't completely sure why but knew she wasn't someone who had meant those things to him or wasn't supposed to mean them. She was most likely just a figment of his imagination.

And then the break was over. It was time to move again, to continue toward the unknown of a life he had lived. A life he wished he could recall.

At exfil they radioed in and waited for the helo to arrive. Sonny thought of the terms these men used and how they all made total sense to him. The one they called Bravo 4 was lingering nearby. The man seemed like he had something to say. The others tried not to make it obvious they were staring but not 4, he openly stared at him and Monkey. As the medic watched him he thought of another time not sure if it were real. There was fire and chaos. There was the metallic smell of blood in the air around him mixed with what he could only imagine was the smell of explosives. And he was standing in the chaos yelling 'Trent'... this man the medic had a name now in his mind.

Monkey clung to him as they boarded the helo, the child was clearly terrified and it occurred to him that the boy had never to his knowledge even ridden in a car. As they lifted off it was the man they called 2 that noticed the fear in the child. The man was a father. Sonny could see it in the way he looked at the scared child. Then the man started singing 'twinkle twinkle little star' above the sound of the rotor blades, more yelling than singing, Clay joined in. The quiet one and his dog shifted closer. And Bravo 1 joined the song.

He thought of these hard men singing to his boy and thought of ice hockey games and cheering for Mikey, of wearing a crown and watching movies with Jameelah. He watched them sing to his child and remembered theirs. Remembered Jason, Ray, Brock, and Cerb's names to go along with Trent and Clay's... Clay their Kid that Jason told him to 'look out for.' And then he thought of her again. Thought of his Lisa. He couldn't ask over the singing and whump of the blades so he just prayed that he would see her when they touched down. Her dark eyes and gentle smile. This had been for the boy but as he closed his eyes and thought of her it was for him too now.


	11. Chapter 11

Lisa watched from the tail of the C-17 as the helo came into view. Her heart beating rapidly in her chest reminding her she was still alive, that her reunion with him wouldn't wait until the afterlife. Mandy was at her side figeting with her hands. She could feel the other woman's eyes on her but couldn't look away as the helo came closer and closer. Blackburn joined them while hanging up yet another Sat phone call and the three of them waited, Lisa flanked by the other two.

As the helo touched down she waited holding her breath. Jason exited and turned back watching as Ray hopped down. Brock and Cerberus were next accompanied by Full Metal and then Clay. Hands shaking she wondered exactly what to expect. She had been told he didn't remember, didn't know the men of Bravo. She had watched on ISR as he held a gun on Clay. She knew that this man wouldn't be her Sonny anymore, but hoped he would be a Sonny she still recognized. And then Clay turned back reaching up he took the small boy. The boy giggled in his arms and looked back to the helo as Sonny emerged.

His hair was longer than she had ever seen it before, reaching his shouldered now. His beard neater than she expected. He was dressed in local clothing which she should have expected but didn't. He stood for a moment looking around the airfield, almost scanning his surroundings and then he looked in her direction and took a step forward. All of Bravo seemed to be waiting to see what he would do, waiting for his lead. And lead he did.

She could feel the tears in her eyes threatening to fall as he walked head high toward her. Clay was closely following him with the boy in his arms and the rest of Bravo a few steps behind. It took every ounce of strength in her not to run to him but he probably didn't remember her. He wasn't the man she had lost.

Blackburn took a step forward surveying the man in front of him. "Welcome home."

"Thanks Eric." Sonny reached his hand out to shake Blackburn's. The use of his name startled them all and caused Eric to pull him into a hug.

Released from the hug he turned to Mandy. His smile was genuine and she was uncertain of how to react. "Well if it isn't the good idea fairy herself. How are you Mandy?"

Mandy had no idea what to say. She never expected to see him again. She'd been at his funeral. Listened as other's cried. She watched him and realized he was waiting for an answer. "Good." Keep things simple her only thought.

Lisa had not stepped forward with Blackburn and Mandy. The tears in her eyes spilled down her cheeks. His eyes met hers. "Hey Darlin' I've missed you." Standing before her, his calloused hand on the side of her face, thumb wiping the tears that fell. "Now come on... no need for all that." Staring into her eyes he knew this place. This place was home.

"Bavo, Dayik?" The boy was wiggling in Clay's tired arms as Sonny turned from her nodding to the child. His eyes met Clay's and the harshness of the look silenced any comment.

"Yes, Monkey I think so." Taking the boy into his own arms he looked at Blackburn. "I'm not leaving without him. And I'd like a real shower."

"The logistics on this won't be easy. Might take some time. The shower I can accomplish for you sooner." Blackburn had been expecting this and had started to put things into place but needed to hear it from Sonny before finalizing anything.

"Little one will be sleepy soon... if someone could keep an eye I'll shower then?" Sonny looked around at them uncertaim if he was asking to much.

"I gotcha brother." Ray smiled thinking of 'Uncle Sonny' as the boy's father.

"I'll see if I can find some clothes and toiletries for you." Lisa had pulled herself back together again and being the professional she was took the opportunity to feel useful. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest and having some space might help. She walked away trying to hold her composure and hoping no one was watching her.

Turning the corner she almost tripped over Trent who was crouching against the wall. His head was in his hands and his shoulders shaking betrayed the silence. "Shit. Trent..." She had no idea what to say or how to act. Trent didn't cry. Never in the decade that she had known had she seen the man break.

"Long day." He said it as he wiped tears from his face and looked at the ground.

"The longest." She slid down the wall sitting next to him. They sat in silence, their shoulders touching for a few minutes until he was no longer crying and then she stood. "Gotta find a towel." He nodded and she walked away.

When she returned to the C-17 Trent was on board sitring with Brock. Sonny was nearby rocking the boy in Clay's hammock while Ray whispered that he was down and would be fine. It was clear that he didn't want to leave the child.

"Hey Son, got your stuff." She waited as he fussed with the blanket and Ray placed a hand on his shoulder.

"We've got him. Go shower." Sonny knew Ray had him but that didn't make it easier to leave the child in a place he didn't know.

"He speaks some English.. uh just not well. Doesn't really speak Kurdish either though... he gets scared easy. Been through a lot. Seen too much." Sonny rambled and delayed until Lisa stepped forward and took his hand.

"He's fine. Ray's a dad and Clay speaks a little Kurdish and a little English too." She and Ray both laughed while Clay feigned insult trying to hide his smile.

The walk to the showers was filled with spectators. It seemed the entire base had heard if the tier one operator back from the dead. It didn't bother Sonny beyond wondering if they knew about Monkey. He didn't like the idea of the boy being seen as something to be speculated about.

As they neared the showers he realized he hadn't said anything to her on the walk there. "Wait here for me?" He openned the door to the locker room and saw it was empty, probably her doing. The woman was magic.

"Yeah." Before she could say more or knew what was happening he had pulled her into the room with him.

With one hand tangled in her hair and the other on her hip, holding so tightly it felt like his nails were digging her flesh through her clothing, his lips crashed into hers. It wasn't a gentle or loving kiss. It was a hunger for touch, a need to have her, to feel her body pressed against his. Their tongues battled as her slight moan was met with him sucking and biting her bottom lip. Her hands ran down his back settling just above his waistline as he groaned and pulled away.

"You could lose your job." He was panting with desire. "And we have a lot to figure out."

"I don't care about the job." She was being honest. She was terrified before that if they were caught she would lose everything but now she knew what it was to actually lose everything.

"You were all I remembered." He exhaled slowly and stepped away turning his back. "I mean I didn't know if you were real, I couldn't be sure but you were there with me the whole time." He turned back to her with tear filled eyes.

She approached him more slowly than he had her and when her lips reached his it wasn't the bruising kiss they had already shared. The slow lingering kiss was love filled and held a promise she knew she could keep.


	12. Chapter 12

Twenty minutes after Sonny left for his shower the child started whimpering. Ray was immediately at his side rocking the hammock, as Sonny had, trying to settle the child but his tears continued. Jason attempted to sing an off key version of 'twinkle twinkle little star' to no avail. Blackburn was about to summon Sonny when Clay stepped toward his own hammock and climbed in with the child. The boy was spread across his chest and sleeping within minutes. Clay rocked

gently with the child until his own eyes drifted closed his breathing evened out and he too slept soundly.

The men of Bravo were watching them sleep when Sonny and Davis returned. Sonny instantly aware that the boy had woken moved to check on his Monkey. A hand on his shoulder stopped him. "First time he's slept in months. Leave them." Jason's words stopped him in his tracks.

Watching them he felt like he was seeing Clay for the first time. The man was thinner than he remembered, less muscular. The circles under his eyes prominent. His brother was tired, tired in a way that showed brokenness not lack of sleep. 'Look out for the kid' echoed in his head as he watched them sleep.

Clay woke hours later with the child still asleep on his chest. Laying awake he listened to Blackburn explain the process of getting the boy stateside to Sonny who was occasionally sighing in frustration at the situation. He wondered how long he had slept. He slept without dreaming, without seeing Sonny alone and scared... dying without his brothers beside him. Slept without drinking enough whiskey to knock out a horse. Slept peacefully. It could have been that Sonny was back, alive and seemingly well, or it could have been the boy laying on him. The child a weighted blanket in human form. Either way he wished he had at a drink, a strong one.

"Kid, you awake?" Jason asked walking toward him.

"Yeah what's up, Boss?" Normally he would have sat but continued to lay to avoid disturbing the boy.

"Sonny and the little guy need medical exams and apparently Trent isn't qualified. Boy needs vaccines as well so we can eventually head stateside." Clay shifted hearing that the boy needed to wake anyway.

"Bavo?" The boy's small voice joined the conversation and Clay pointed to Sonny standing a few yards away. The boy giggled as Clay lifted him and looked up with big dark eyes "Mam?"

Clay laughed and replied "Uncle." The boy repeated 'uncle' a few times to feel it on his lips and placed a hand on Clay's throat to feel the word as Clay said it again.

Lisa stood closely and watched the interaction hoping it would somehow be healing to Clay but knowing that was probably wishful thinking. "Clay how do you say 'Aunt' in Kurdish?"

"Umm... I'm not sure." He lied. The boy was young and had already been told by his 'father' who she was, he didn't want to confuse the child. He didn't mean to look to the ground indicating the lie but couldn't help it.

As Jason walked away he looked back to her seeing the disappointment on her face, not knowing if it was his lack of an answer or his lying that caused it.

"Dayik." Sonny joined them. "He wants to call you Dayik."

Clay set the child down and walked away. They were getting more permanent quarters while they waited to return stateside and he relished the idea that someone on this base would have something stronger than Gatorade to drink. So in search of that he wandered.

He thought of the work Dayik and wondered if Sonny had plans to return to Bravo. It didn't seem likely as he told Lisa the boy would call her Mom. He needed to find a drink... yesterday.

Clay sat alone in his newly acquired barracks drinking the tequila he had managed to scavenge. He thought back to the eulogy he had given. Thought back to the desperation of leaving Sonny. Thought of trying to sleep with the nightmares.

Pulling a small notebook from his pocket he flipped through the pages. It was probably a month after Sonny's death that he had gotten the notebook for himself. Within these pages he wrote of all his brothers. He prepared for each of their deaths within this book, unwilling to experience the tailspin that Sonny's had caused again. Now as he looked through what he had said he wondered if he would ever be able to give a eulogy again, not without a body he silently declared to himself. He had eulogized the living. It tore at him in a new way. He thought back to that day crying in a room full of people staring at an empty casket as his brother was thousands of miles away locked in a cell. Pen in hand he wrote across the front of the notebook all in capital letters "NOT WITHOUT A BODY" it would serve as a reminder of his failure until the day he died. Tipping the bottle back he enjoyed the burn of the tequila.


	13. Chapter 13

Sonny picked the foods carefully on two plates before joining Jason and Ray at the table with Royar. The boy wasn't sure of the new foods and Sonny had decided to just give him multiple options. It seemed to be working and the little guy was picking at the choices offered when Trent and Brock joined them with plates of their own. Full Metal laughed as Lisa and Blackburn eyed the food and sat with the others.

"Where's Goldilocks?" Sonny's question silenced the table as the others looked at each other. "What Pretty Boy doesn't eat with the family anymore?" Sonny laughed but the others didn't.

"What? What's going on?" The concern for Clay was written across his face now.

"He's probably holed up in the barracks with a bottle, drinking his calories." It was Trent who finally broke the tension while creating more.

Sonny's mouth opened as if to say something and then closed again. The boy sensing the tension looked up "Uncle?" The concern for Clay was shared by the boy as his eyes met Sonny's.

"Stay with Dayik." He said to the boy while looking to Lisa who nodded at him as he left the mess hall.

In the five minute walk to the barracks Sonny thought of how lost Clay had become. He thought of their last mission of disregarding Jason's order to stay together, of pulling rank and sending Clay high to help the rest of Bravo. That decision had forever changed the direction of both their lives. It was now that Sonny realized that while he had gained the child Clay had lost something beyond a brother, he had lost himself. He thought about the cocky kid who gave him sideways looks for his behavior and the fact that the kid was drinking instead of eating and the rest of Bravo was used to that. He was bith sad for Clay and more than a little disappointed by the rest of his brother's apathy to his struggle.

The knock on the barracks door instantly annoyed Clay as he put away his newly labeled notebook. Brock, Trent, or Full Metal would have walked into the shared space so he ruled out the three as the intruder to his night. If this was Ray again trying to have another damn heart to heart he might lose his shit and put in the transfer to Charlie Team that he was strongly considering anyway. The knock repeated and he stood.

Staggering and stumbling slightly he swung the door open. Of all the possibilities he hadn't considered it would be Sonny. There were so many times he wished things had been different and he could see his brother again and things were now as he stood before him. But as different as they were they didn't actually change anything. Stepping aside he left the door open, not truly an invitation but better than slamming the door shut.

"Tequila?" Tripping he caught himself on the bottom bunk and layed flat.

"I think you've had enough for both of us."

"Ah you're here for that... so you gonna take the Jason approach? 'Time to pull it together Bravo 6." His imitation of Bravo 1 was spot on. "Or maybe Ray 'I'm worried brother." His head turned slightly did remind Sonny of Ray. "Oh I know you'll pull a Brock and just shake your head at me... or you could do a great Trent 'brother, let me help you.' So what's it gonna be, Son? How are you doing this?" The rant wasn't as angry as it was defeated and that somehow made it worse.

"I'm sorry." Sonny sat on the opposite bunk assuming it was Trent's. As defeated as Clay sounded he felt worse. Looking at his broken brother he was filled with regret. Regret for not fighting harder. Regret for not even trying to escape. Regret for allowing himself to bury his memories for the sake of the boy, ignoring the kid he was breaking a world away. Regret for making Clay give his eulogy.

Clay turned toward him bloodshot eyes with lids at half mast meeting his own. "We buried an empty box. You know that? I talked about brotherhood and watch Davis hold up your Mom... you call her yet?"

"Blackburn did. When we know when we'll get home they'll make arrangements for her to be there."

"I'm tired man." Clay sipped the tequila from the bottle and turned away but looked back over his shoulder. "You're not really back are you? Having the boy call her Mom... that's your goodbye?"

"I'm not sure of anything honestly. How long have you known? About Lisa and me?" Sonny knew there was a reason the man hadn't let his resurrection be announced over the radio, it took a while to figure the reason was Lisa.

"I overheard her at the cemetery. Took a bottle there to share on the one year and she was there crying with flowers. She was telling that damn empty box how much she loved you." He finished the bottle of tequila and closed his eyes ending the conversation.

Sonny walked away from the barracks feeling as broken as Clay looked. The weight of responsibility he once felt for the child alone was now multipled to include the Kid as well and he thought that weight might just bury him. As he wandered around the base his thoughts consuming he lost track of time. It wasn't until the sun started to set that he headed back to his family and his boy.


	14. Chapter 14

Clay woke for the fourth time around three in the morning. Tequila never knocked him out like whiskey did. He almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of the knowledge of which alcohol consumption would truly make him oblivious. Instead he climbed from the bottom bunk that Full Metal had given up months before when Clay had vomited from the top bunk. He thought about the fact that some people didn't know when their lives had fallen apart. He knew exactly when his had, in his apartment surrounded by crumpled papers. That bottle of whiskey Sonny had given him a few weeks before had felt at the time like his solace not his downfall.

Sitting outside in the predawn hours he wished he could go back to the mission that started this knowing he couldn't. He thought of Stella and pushing her away. He thought about his self imposed isolation, of his brothers reaching out and pushing them away. Of his fist connecting with Ray's face. It made his stomach turn. He made himself sick.

"Seat taken?" Trent never seemed to give up even when Clay wanted him to.

"It's not even 5. Why are you awake?" Clay turned to him.

"Heard you leave."

"You know Trent someone once told me I didn't have to set myself on fire to keep other people warm... you don't either."

"You think that's what I'm doing? It ever occur to you that you're not the only one who's terrified. That you're not the only one who feels like vomiting every time they think about him and the fact that we left him? It ever occur to you Clay that maybe I'm struggling too and just wanted to fucking sit near someone who might understand for 5 damn minutes before I have to pretend that everything is fine so you can fall apart?"

"No. Also I'm pretty sure I already fell apart... over a year ago. So let's sit then."

"Okay." Trent was surprised by Clay's hand on his shoulder but he was grateful for it.

They sat in silence for a while before Clay turned to him "I can't sleep Trent. I know everyone thinks I drink to forget but I just can't sleep."

"I have Ambien." Trent knew Clay already knew but said it anyway.

"I can tell you 150 ways he died. I've dreamed all the ways every sober night I've had and most drunk ones too."

"But he didn't die."

"I'm not sure that matters." Clay was in fact sure it didn't.

"Heard rumors you're thinking of a transfer." Trent stared straight ahead.

"They're not rumors."

"Don't want to lose you Clay."

"I already feel lost." Clay's voice broke.

"Let us help you." Trent felt like he was begging and maybe he was.

"Dayik means Mom."

"We should try for more sleep... want a saline bag to help with the hangover?"

Clay looked at him wondering how things had gone this far. Nodding he stood and waited for Trent to go back to the barracks. Fluids would probably help.

Brock pretended to sleep as Trent started the IV. Cerb had whined when they left and while he considered joining them he figured maybe it was better not to disturb them. Now as he watched in the growing light of day as Trent tucked Clay in he was glad he hadn't. It was about to be another long day he wasn't sure any of them were ready for but that wouldn't stop the day from coming.


	15. Chapter 15

"I should have talked to you about this first... I shouldn't have assumed this is what you wanted and now I'm not sure how to undo it." Sonny wasn't even sure how to explain it to her now.

"What's going on Cowboy? I don't even know what you're saying?" Lisa was worried by the conversation but more so by his evasion.

"Dayik... what I've been having him call you... it means Mom, Lis'. I shouldn't have assumed it's just... I guess it's actually a couple different things. I can't really picture a life without you and I... I guess it's the hope that you would be the mother of my children."

"Dayik... I think I like Mama better, but we'll figure that out later." The tears in her eyes told him everything he needed to know, she was all in. "This is going to be a mess Sonny Quinn."

In the distance Brock was teaching the boy fetch with a more than willing Cerb. The dog seemed to sense that the child was more than a visitor, he was part of their pack now. The boy giggled as Cerberus dropped the ball at his feet again and again. Watching the little guy Sonny turned to her "Be sure. If we do this be sure, you'll break more than my heart."

"I'm in, all in. I'm sure. I know what it is to live without you Cowboy."

Ray had no intention of listening but couldn't help overhearing the conversation. "Wasn't trying to hear but now I have. Got me thinking you know Sonny... you aren't actually in the Navy right now?" Ray raised his eyesbrows as he said it.

"Technically dead still right?" Lisa asked.

"Well as far as the Navy is concerned yes... but you do exist as Karza. Who isn't dead." Ray walked away.

"You wanna do this? Like for real?" She was nodding before he could finish the sentence.

"I will marry you as Sonny or Karza. I would marry you as anyone Cowboy." Her laugh drew the attention of Brock, Royar, and Cerb.

"Gonna talk to Jace and Eric and get some things sorted out." The determination on his face told her this was happening and soon.

Within an hour the three men returned all laughing which Lisa assumed was a good sign. The boy was snuggled against her and Brock was building a fire in the small ring. Full Metal sat across from her sipping what she was sure was supposed to pass as iced tea.

"Congratulations Lisa!" Jason bent to hug her as the boy drifted in and out of sleep.

"So we are going to have to make this happen quickly... tomorrow actually." Blackburn looked between the two trying to see any indecision from either but didn't.

"Thank you Jason and we can do that." She looked from one man to the other.

"I uh I'm gonna go find Clay and Trent." Sonny needed Clay for tomorrow and as he jogged away Lisa prayed Clay would be able to pull himself together enough for the task.

Clay and Trent were in the barracks together one reading a medical textbook the other staring at the bottom of the bunk above his with his hands behind his head. Trent turned the page and once again glaced at Clay. They'd been in what felt like a stalemate for hours.

"We talkin' about this?" Trent shut the book and looked towards him.

"About what exactly? The fact that I might want a transfer? That you think I drink too much or that I can't sleep?" Clay rolled to his side facing him.

"Yeah that. All of that." Trent leaned forward. "We talkin' about that?"

"Guess we are."

"Yeah guess so. Transfer huh?" Trent chose the scariest option to talk about first.

"Yeah... just that maybe somewhere else it would be different, easier." Clay looked sadder than the day they 'buried' Sonny.

"And maybe it's not."

"Maybe not." Clay closed his eyes. "Just not sure how to keep going anymore."

"Should probably try to stop pickling your liver every night if you want to keep going."

"I can't sleep." The desperation in his voice was like a living thing overtaking him.

"Can we just call it what it is?" Trent knew the symptoms and so did Clay but labeling it was another thing.

"We say it and then what? Trent, they won't let me operate anymore." Clay was scared of losing this life for the first time since Manila.

"So we don't say it... sleep disturbances, reliance on alcohol, agitation, and avoidance. We'll call it that." Trent looked at him with a mix of empathy and saddness.

"Yeah let's just call it PTSD, it's shorter." Clay wasn't sure he could say it aloud but was relieved afterward.

"Okay."

"So what now?" He was sure Trent would have to report it. "Also agitation and avoidance?"

"You're kidding right? You punched Ray in the face and hole up in the barracks on any downtime."

"You're right. And you didn't answer the first question, Trent?."

"You stay with Bravo it stays between us for the time being. You transfer out and I talk to Blackburn. It's not blackmail, you staying it's because I can't help if you're gone."

"And how do you plan to help?" Clay wanted a drink but was sure Trent would veto it.

"I start treatment for your allergies. They've gotten worse lately, there's a med Hydroxyzine." He smiled a knowing smile before continuing. "It's an antihistamine but it has a sedative effect and tends to help with anxiety."

"And if it doesn't work?" Clay felt like his armor was about to shatter.

"It will work. And if not we figure something else out." Trent was determined as long as Clay was willing.

The knock on the door made Clay jump. Trent stood to answer it but before he could Sonny burst through. "I'm getting married tomorrow and I sort of need you to be there!" Trent was shocked, Clay wasn't.

"I'll be there." Sonny clapped him on the back as Clay extended his arm and hugged him.


	16. Chapter 16

Clay held the sleeping child close to his chest with his left arm, the boy snuggled in and was quickly asleep listening to his heartbeat. With his right hand he held the small notebook full of eulogies. The wedding was small and filled with joy and laughter. He thought of throwing it into the fire, he thought of rewriting Sonny's eulogy so he would be prepared for the next time. The thought snuck up on him and startled him. The child shifted in his arms.

"You good?" Trent had wandered far and Clay was trying hard not to become annoyed at him as a shadow.

"Just trying to enjoy the evening." Clay was trying.

"Yeah..." Trent wanted to say more.

"Have you ever had a bruise you didn't remember getting? Like when it first happened and the pain was fresh and new you could recall exactly what happened but as it starts to fade you forget? Then you bump it and it hurts again but you can't quite remember how you got the bruise to begin with? And it just never seems to go away?" Clay shifted the boy into a more comfortable position.

"I have but you can ignore a bruise. You can't ignore this Clay." Trent wished he had done more sooner. Wished he hadn't waited for Clay to come to him. Wished they weren't where they were.

"I know I've tried." Clay wanted to go home. He wanted his own bed, even if laying in it didn't mean sleeping. He fingered the notebook, flipping through the pages and hoping to find an answer to a question he didn't know.

"What's in the notebook?" It wasn't the first time Trent had seen the small book but the writing across the front was surprising and compelled him to ask. Clay responded by passing the notebook to him. Opening the first page shocked him. "Clay..."

"Just read it?" Clay rested his chin on the top of the boy's head and closed his eyes. As Trent began reading the devastation at just how lost his littlr brother was began to set on.

_Trent_

_Trent was the type of person who would run toward the mayhem if he knew a brother needed him there. He was persistent and willing to help even when you didn't want help. Sometimes I think Trent knew us better than we even know ourselves. There are so many heroic things I could tell you he has done but I'd like to remember his in the quiet times, the times we just sat or shared some coffee, those are the times I felt like I saw the real man._

Trent had to stop reading, the reality of what he was seeing hit him like a truck. He flipped through the book noting each name and then came to the final eulogy it contained. The heading like the others was just a first name but this one scared him more than he could imagine... Clay.

_Clay_

_He was a man like any other. When he was young he thought he could change the world but it was the world that changed him. There are many things that could be said about him, some true some not. Some would say he was a great friend but in recent years he tended to push those close away. It could be said that he was once brave but he might have just been better than most at hiding his terror. His brothers would say he would do anything for them but in reality he just would have rather sacrificed himself than lose another one. Clay was a broken man but that doesn't take away from who he was. He cared deeply even when he didn't know how to show it. He respected and was loyal to his country even when they failed him and his brothers. Clay wanted to change the world so if you loved him take up that mantle. Be kind, laugh, remember him when he was young and didn't know better. And if you believe in something fight for that._

Trent had no idea what to say or what any of this meant as far as Clay's recovery or stability but he did know he wasn't going to be able to do this on his own. Looking towards the man now resting with his head still on the child Trent knew that whether the rest of the team including Sonny and the boy could return stateside or not he had to get Clay home.


	17. Chapter 17

Trent sat up most of the night listening to Full Metal snore and watching Clay. The man was laying flat in his back with Royar across his chest. Trent contemplated a weighted blanket and spent a fair amount of time reseaching them. The boy seemed to help and for a few minutes he wondered if the child was the only reason Sonny had survived, it was likely. It was around four in the morning that Trent realized Brock was awake above him as the man climbed down and motioned for Trent to follow him outside.

"You've been watching him for hours. The Kid gonna be okay?" Brock walked to the fire pit that was now nothing more than smoldering coals.

"I'm not sure." Trent's honest answer shouldn't have surprised Brock but it did. Trent had patched bullet holes while reassuring the others that everything was fine but this he didn't know how to do. He couldn't stitch, staple, or pack this wound. This was beyond him.

"He talkin' to you?" It was clear to Brock that something had changed in the last two days. Something with not only Clay but Trent as well.

"A bit yeah. It's not good Brock." Trent's shoulders slumped. "You know that stupid notebook he always has on him? He's written eulogies for all of us in that damn thing... including himself." Trent felt a brokenness inside that he wasn't sure would ever heal. The heaviness of this responsibility was too much for him alone.

"Fuck." Brock's shoulders sank to match Trent's. "Brother I think we need to let Jace and Ray know too."

"He just started trusting me... I'm not sure that's a good idea." Trent honestly had no idea what to do anymore.

"I get that... but... what's the plan without them?" Brock sincerely wanted to know.

"Go wake them." He lowered his head in defeat, Clay might never forgive this but he would never forgive himself if the Kid lost this battle because he hadn't called in reinforcements.

When Brock wakes you in the middle of the night it's never good. When he wakes you in the middle of the night because Trent told him to do so it's even worse. Jason didn't bother dressing beyond gym shorts and a t-shirt. Ray hadn't even bothered with shoes.

"What's going on?" Jason's voice was hoarse with sleep.

"Kid's not okay." Trent looked up to Bravo 1.

"We've known that for a long time... what's changed?" Ray looked at the two men sitting while standing by Jason.

"Other than Sonny's alive?" Brock had genuinely tried to keep the sarcasm from his voice.

"He told me."

"Told you he wasn't okay?" Jason was tired and getting frustrated.

"He let me read the notebook he carries. You know he labeled the damn thing 'not without a body.' It's full of all our eulogies." Trent's eyes dropped to the dirt.

"And his own..." Brock was done waiting for all the information to be shared.

Turning to Ray Jason was sure the man wouldn't be happy. "Go wake up Eric."

"Don't you think we should talk to Clay before we do that?" Ray was trying to quell the fear at be reasonable.

"Someone want to wake him?" This had gone on long enough. Jason was done.

"He just went to sleep." Trent wanted him to rest as long as possible.

"So did everyone else here, except maybe you Trent... you look like hell."

"I feel like it too. I'll get him in a bit. I just need a few minutes." Trent's head was in his hands as the hopelessness overwhelmed him.

"You okay?" Ray knew he wasn't.

"I have a headache is all. I don't know how to help him. I told him I would but I'm not sure if it will help."

"You don't always have to have all the answers Brother." Ray's hand on his should gave him both comfort and strength.

"I just need a minute."

"Then take it." Jason added wood to the almost dead fire.

Clay knew immediately that something was wrong. He shifted the boy from his chest and covered the child. Trent and Brock didn't wander around at night. He shook Full Metal's should and the man nodded that he would keep an eye on Royar.

Clay knew the meeting at the fire pit was most likely about him. He watched as Ray comforted Trent and Jason poked at the dying fire. Taking a deep breath he walked toward them.


	18. Chapter 18

Clay closed his eyes and steadied himself before joining the others around the fire pit. This conversation would determine whether Bravo was his future or merely his past. He would never be ready for this but as he stepped closer and closer it was inevitable. It was now or never.

"Can I join?" The men around the pit were surprised not only by his presence but that he wanted to join them at all.

"We were just getting ready to wake you." Jason sat a chair away from Trent nodding to the emtpy seat indicating Clay should take it.

"Been up a while." Clay stared into the fire.

"Seems to be a pattern with you lately." Jason's eyes stayed on him.

"I'm not sure I've actually slept through the night in over a year." His brothers could only hope his honesty after so long was a good sign.

"Why wait so long to tell us? Why Clay? We would have helped you." The crack in Trent's voice broke Clay's heart.

"We were all struggling. Seemed selfish."

"And when we all came to you?" Ray's raised eyebrows reminded everyone of the bruising to his face that trying to help had caused.

"Too far gone by then I guess." Clay continued to stare at the fire. "Might be too far gone to ever make it back now."

"You wrote your own eulogy." Jason's statement caused Clay to look from the fire directly to Trent.

"It's too much kid. I couldn't not tell them." Trent wasn't apologizing.

"I just need to know one thing. Clay did you write that because you are planning something?" Jason wasn't sure what to do if the answer was yes but they needed to know either way.

Clay laughed, the type of uncomfortable laugh that no one joins. "No. The answer is no. But neither did Sonny."

"Not dead, little buddy." Sonny walked toward the group.

"Yeah that might take some getting used to. Spent over a year convincing myself you were gone." Clay stared back to the fire as if it were his refuge.

"I'm so sorry Clay." Sonny had no idea what to say or how to help. Clay was his brother but he was no longer the man he was before and Sonny barely recognized him now.

"Not your fault. We left you." His words while true stung in a way he hadn't meant them to.

"We didn't know." Brock closed his eyes.

"I know y'all didn't know. I also know I wouldn't have the life I now have. I had options, might not have known my name but I always knew I belonged somewhere and I made a choice everyday to ignore that... and for that I'm sorry." Sonny wanted more than anything to be able to make this better but there was little he could do.

Clay's tears fell silently as they sat around the fire. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried, maybe the day of the funeral maybe before that, he wasn't sure. The tears felt warm on his face as they glistened in the light of the fire.

"I was thinking maybe Clay and I fly home?" Trent's voice broke the trance the fire had created for him.

"Why just us? We can wait for the others, can't we?" Clay looked like a child asking why his friends couldn't come over to play to Jason.

"Honestly Clay? Because we're terrified we are going to lose you and this place isn't helping." Ray stated it simply.

"Oh.. okay. Uh I'm sorry. I'm not sure what to say... I didn't mean for it to be like this." The tears began to fall again. Disappointing people was something Clay felt like an expert in... he knew as much about it as shooting and languages, maybe even more. Between his father, Swanny, Stella, and now Bravo he was good at it.

"I don't think any of us meant for it to be like this, Kid." Jason's hand found his shoulder.

"Jace, if it's okay with you I'd like to fly home with them." Brock knew that Trent needed him as much or more than Clay needed Trent.

Jason nodded as he added more wood to the fire. The sun was rising and soon enough he would need to talk to Blackburn but for now he would just sit with his men and enjoy the sunrise. Enjoy having his team together, even if broken, even if he didn't know for how much longer.


	19. Chapter 19

"What the fuck is the plan here? Can't keep him sedated forever?" Brock looked to Trent as they pulled up to the cabin.

The flight home was uneventful thanks to the sedatives Trent had given Clay. He slept while they refueled and continued toward home. Brock and Cerb had napped as well but sleep didn't find Trent.

The coolness of the October air as the tail of the plane lowered woke Clay. Stretching he stood and slowly gained awareness that they were home. He was grateful he had been unaware during the trip. Trent was beside him, he assumed that would be a constant.

Walking toward their vehicles there was no debate as they walked directly to Brock's car. Their bags loaded in the trunk and Cerb in the backseat waiting for Clay to join him. The dog whined to him until he finally climbed in beside him. He felt like his brain was in a fog and for a moment wondered what exactly Trent had given him before relaxing against the cool window and drifting back to sleep with Cerb's head in his lap.

Trent was grateful Clay was resting even if it was a drug induced sleep. The almost four hour trip to the mountains where Brock had miraculously managed to find a cabin was quiet. Trent wasn't sure why Brock had insisted on going to the mountains but he hadn't argued with his brother.

"I'm not sure." Trent opened the passenger door and took a deep breath of the mountain air. "This isn't a wound I was trained to treat Brock. I don't know how to help him."

"Getting away from people... it might help." Brock loved the solitude of this place in the chill of Autumn. The leaves falling to the ground reminded him of childhood and peace. Of a time and place he couldn't find again. "Jace texted and the guys should be here in a few days. Blackburn took us off rotation."

The cabin was basically one large room with bunk beds lining the walls. A woodstove in the center and a small kitchen off to the side. Brock was unloading the few supplies they grabbed at a small store in town while Trent got Clay settled in one of the lower bunks.

"It's chilly in here. I'm gonna bring some wood inside." Before Brock could respond Trent was outside the front door.

"Think I broke Trent." Clay sat up as Brock attempted to follow Trent outside.

"It's just been a long trip." Brock walked toward the bunks.

"Been a long year or more." Clay's hand shaking didn't go unnoticed by Brock.

"You good? Well I mean are you okay?"

"Yeah not really sure... it's chilly in here." Clay lied looking from his hands to the floor.

"Coffee?" Brock asked not knowing Clay hadn't actually had coffee in over a year.

"The day of his funeral I threw up my coffee before coming to the church." Clay's eyes met his as his hands continued to shake.

"Couldn't have been easy... I couldn't have done it." They both knew Brock was talking about the eulogy.

"I know you all think the notebook... I just needed to do it in case... I couldn't spend days trying to figure out what to say again." They had allowed him space during that time and now Brock recognized the mistake that had been. The Kid had needed them and they weren't there.

"I guess that makes sense. What you thinks takin' Trent so long? Think he got lost?" Brock stood.

"Go check on him." Clay swung his legs over the side of the bunk.

Trent was sitting outside by the wood pile. His head in his hands. As Brock approached he raised his sad eyes to his best friend. "I don't know what to do."

"Don't need to today." Brock sat beside him. "Got time."

"Yeah. Guess I don't. Just don't know what to do tomorrow either." Trent was used to knowing what to do, hard, fast, and efficiently.

"Not all on you either." Brock's words helped release the tension from Trent as he exhaled.

Trent stood and grabbed an arm full of firewood. "The shakes are from not drinking I think. Should pass in a few days I think."

"He said he's cold... I figured." Brock followed with wood in his arms as well.

There was coffee brewing in the cabin when they walked through the door. Clay was sitting at the table near the kitchen area. Cerb's head back on his lap as he stroked the dogs ears. "Did anyone grab a deck of cards on the way here?" Clay looked at his brothers innocently. "I was thinking maybe tomorrow we could take Cerb on a hike?"

"Sounds like a plan to me." Brock smiled to Trent as he lowered the wood from his arms and started a fire in the wood stove.

Trent nodded "It does."


	20. Chapter 20

Cerberus ran ahead on the trail and circled back to the three men following him. The dog clearly loved being off lease in the woods. He was excitedly zooming around in a puppylike way that caused all three to smile.

They had been hiking for close to an hour when they reached the crest of the trail that overlooked the valley below. Clay felt like he could see forever. While he spent much of his time outside it was rare that he was able to enjoy it. Always being on high alert waiting for the inevitable contact that could cause him to lose a brother and thus a piece of himself. He leaned against a tree, his shaking hands jammed into his pockets.

"Wow!" Brock watched as even Cerb took in the view.

"It's pretty damn amazing here." Trent looked to Clay wondering what the younger man was thinking.

"We have to show the rest of the guys. They are coming right?"

"Yeah in a few days." Brock responded.

Trent watched as Clay seemed to wrestle with a question for a minute before finally asking it. "Sonny too?"

"If that's good with you. Davis is going to get a room in town with the little guy so they are close but he can be with us." Trent had booked the room the day before to ensure they would have a place to stay.

"It's good. There's enough bunks if they wanna stay here." Clay wasn't sure if he was trying to include Sonny's family to avoid actually having to interact or not but it was likely.

Brock looked to Trent before saying "Maybe or they could stay in town..."

"It's weird seeing them together." Brock felt like he was gossiping.

"Sonny and Davis or Sonny and Royar?" Trent looked to Brock.

"Both." Clay pushed off the tree and started back down the trail toward the cabin.

"Guess we're heading back, sorry boy." Brock reached for Cerb to lease the dog who had no intention of being led. Cerb ran and dodged and yipped in a playful way. "Alright go." Clay was about twenty yards away when Cerb zipped passed and turned looking back to him.

"I think Cerb is enjoying his vacation." Trent stepped beside Brock as both watched the dog circle Clay. Clay was laughing and Cerb was urging the Kid to run with him.

"He seems to be."

Back at the cabin Clay laid in his bunk while Brock fed Cerb and Trent figured out something the humans could eat. The low whine from Cerb in Clay's direction alerted them to an issue. Clay was moving slightly in his sleep, not enough to alarm either. The continued whining made Trent stop what he was doing. He was three steps into walking toward Clay when the man shot upright on his bunk. His breath was short and his eyes wide and wild as he screamed.

Trent was in his line of sight almost immediately "Clay, hey you're okay!" Trent stood more than an arm's length away with his palms up.

"Trent?" Clay felt like his eyes wouldn't focus as he looked to his brother. "The team?"

"All good brother." Brock stood next to Trent trying from a far to reassure Clay that everything was good.

"What happened?" Clay was clearly confused.

"You had a nightmare." Trent said it quietly and suddenly Clay could picture the dream. Sonny being beheaded. It was one of the worst ways his mind had decided his brother had died.

"Why? Why do I still think he's dead when I'm asleep?" Clay's voice cracked and he was clearly trying desperately to hold back his tears.

"Because he was for over a year. None of the last year is just going away with the snap of your or any of our fingers Clay." Trent needed him to know that they were in this with him.

"Or a glock to the back of my head." Clay looked to Trent his eyes searching for answers neither of them possessed. "Why didn't he shoot me? He had the drop on me, easily could have."

"That's a question for him." Brock said as Cerb jumped onto the bunk with Clay.

"Yeah I guess it is." Clay laid back on the bunk with Cerb as Trent and Brock moved back to their previous tasks. Thinking of discussing it with Sonny made his head hurt and his hands seemed to be shaking more than before. The next week was probably going to suck and he wished he had a drink. If for nothing else than to replace this emptiness in his chest with the burn of strong alcohol.


	21. Chapter 21

The following days were filled with hiking and campfires. Cerberus playing fetch and Clay's hands continuing to shake. The days were cool and the nights bordered on cold outside the cabin.

Clay's nightmares continued if he closed his eyes without sedation from Trent who was more than willing to knock him out to avoid them. Hearing him scream, seeing him with tear filled eyes was too much. For over a year Trent had wanted desperately for the Kid to open up and allow them in but now that he had Trent was lost.

Clay was sitting playing solitaire when he heard the vehicle approach on the gravel road. Trent and Brock were already outside splitting more firewood and letting Cerb play. The vehicle sounded like a truck to Clay as he reached to where his rifle should be only to remember he was in Virginia and unarmed.

Watching from the window he saw Jason, Ray, and Sonny exit the truck. Trent and Brock greeted them and the five stood talking while occasionally glancing ro the cabin. Clay sat back to finish his game wondering how long they would be discussing him out front before they came inside.

It might have been five minutes. It might have been five hours. Clay sat waiting with a million thoughts cascading through his mind not focusing on one of them.

Eventually the door cracked open and Ray walked inside the cabin. Ray, they sent Ray. He wondered how long they had debated who would come inside, had they drawn straws? It was almost comical in its sadness.

"Hey Brother." Ray looked at him like he was a wounded animal or a tango wearing an s-vest he wasn't sure which.

"Hey Ray." There was no way to make this easier even if he wanted to. "So what's the plan?"

"Plan?"

"Don't play dumb Ray. It doesn't suit you." Clay stood and walked to the coffee maker pouring what felt like his tenth cup of the still early day.

"I'm not sure there is a plan yet. Trent's currently fighting with Jason. Brock's pissed at me. Sonny's playing fetch with Cerb and it's a shitshow." Ray walked toward him and grabbed a clean coffee cup.

Clay stood on the porch unnoticed by his brothers as they argued aming each other. He watched barely aware of what they were saying. Snippets of conversation filtered into his tired mind. Jason yelled "Well what the fuck should we do then?" Trent's fisted his hands then released them as he yelled back "How about not locking him up!" Jason replied something he missed and Trent pushed his boss's chest with both hands "He needs us Jace!"

"That what you're thinking Boss? You want me to go in somewhere?" Clay rubbed at his left eye where his headache was starting with the back of his hand.

"No Clay, it's not what I want but I do think it might be what you need."

"I'd never operate again." Clay's eyes hit the dirt and his head pounded more. Suddenly everything seemed to be spinning and he could taste the bile rising in his throat.

"It's not gonna happen Jason. We aren't ruining his career. Clay we'll figure it out some other way." Trent's angry words did little to reassure him. "I need a minute. We can talk more once you guys are settled." Trent walked down the path they had taken days earlier that lead to the top of the mountain.

"Just trying to figure things out." Jason almost apologized as he passed Clay and walked into the cabin to find Ray.

Brock slowly followed Trent up the path, giving him space but letting him know he wasn't alone. If there was one lesson this situation had taught him it was that. His brothers couldn't feel as alone as they had allowed Clay to feel. Jason had Ray. Clay had Sonny and he would have Trent.

Sonny looked over at Clay and immediately noticed that while still somewhat disheveled the Kid looked better than the last time he had seen him. His bloodshot eyes weren't as red and the circles below them had lightened just enough so he didn't look like the walking dead. Clay was still too thin and still looked like hell but he looked better.

"Why didn't you shoot me?" Clay's abrupt question startled Sonny. He hadn't expected thr conversation to start in that way but apparently Clay was ready to talk.

Sonny leaned against a tree and exhaled. He wasn't sure how to explain it to himself yet let alone anyone else especially Clay. "I'm not sure to be honest. I wish I could tell you that I immediately recognized you and knew you and that everything clicked. That's just not how it happened Brother. I guess I somehow knew you were important to my survival. Like if I pulled that trigger my life was over. I don't really know how to explain it. I guess my brain didn't know you but somehow I did."

Clay sat on a log and stretched his legs out in front of him. He wasn't sure what he had expected Sonny to say but that wasn't it. A definitive answer was what he wanted but it seemed there were no answers anywhere.


	22. Chapter 22

Trent made it to the crest of the hill in half the time they had taken to hike it a few days before. The anger flowing through his veins propelling him faster than he realized. He knew he should probably try to calm that anger but as he continued over the crest he couldn't. It wasn't until he had started down the mountain on the other side that he heard Brock calling to him to slow down. He knew he should turn back, be calm and reasonable, but the rage coursing in him wouldn't allow it yet.

"Fuck. Trent! Slow down I'm in shorts and sneakers!" Brock was actually struggling to keep up and that didn't seem to slow Trent which only alarmed Brock further.

Glancing behind him to where Brock was yelling caused Trent to lose his footing. He stumbled over a rock twisting his ankle in the process and then tumbled about ten feet before coming to a hard stop at the base of a large oak tree. The air knocked from his lungs. Trent looked up to the leaves falling above him. They were the color of fire. Orange and yellow. They reminded him of the day they lost Sonny. The day this all started. He wondered if maybe he had hit his head as he watched the wind flicker the leaves like a flame.

"Fuck. Trent stay down." A hand on his shoulder alerted him to Brock's panic.

"I'm good. Didn't lose consciousness. Just banged up a bit and my ankle might just have snapped." Trent sat with Brock's help and reached down to look at the ankle that had given out.

"I can run back to camp and get the guys if you can't make it back." Brock looked to the sky. There were dark clouds moving in and leaving Trent filled him with dread.

"Give me a minute. Might be able to make it back. Sun is going down." He knew that no matter how mad he currently was at Jason the man would be the first to leave the cabin if Brock returned without him. He didn't want to give him that satisfaction. "Help me stand."

And help Brock did... by taking nearly all of Trent's weight. They made it slowly back up to the crest of the mountain before the drizzle of rain started. They stopped there just long enough for Brock to grab a long solid branch to use as a walking stick. With the stick on one side and Brock on the other they would be able to move faster. The rain was picking up. The wind beginning to howl. The chill that ran through Brock made him miss the heat of the desert.

The rain pounding down on the roof of the cabin had Clay's heart pounding just as hard. It had been two hours since the rain had started. They should be back, should have been back long ago. "We should go looking for them, this is ridiculous."

"We don't even know where to start Clay. And it's not safe out there." Jason's words were logical but two of their brother's were unaccounted for and logic wasn't what Clay wanted to hear right now.

"Clay be reasonable they probably hunkered down somewhere to ride out the storm." Clay was pulling on a sweatshirt and walking to the door as Ray said it.

"And what if they aren't? What if something is wrong? What if we are just leaving them out there while they wait for us?" The desperation mixed with regret and anger in his voice as his eyes found Sonny's.

"Spenser we are in Virginia not Sadr City." Sonny knew where his mind had gone and refused to ignore it.

As the words hit Clay the door to the cabin swung open carried by the wind. Trent almost fell through propelled by Brock who was desperately trying to keep hold of his best friend in their soaking wet condition. Clay was closest and easily took some of Trent's weight while mumbling about being sure they were fine with a sarcastic smile.

Brock could literally feel his teeth knocking together as they approached the cabin. Trent despite being in pain was hobbling and trying to make it as much on his own as possible. The warmth of the cabin was their saving grace.

Once inside Brock allowed Clay to take Trent and lead him to a chair by the woodstove. Brock's thinking wasn't entirely clear but he suddenly became aware that his shirt was off. "Lift you ass." Ray's words made sense as his shorts were pulled and he lifted his hips from the chair he wasn't aware he had been sitting in. Sonny wrapped a blanket around him for both warmth and modesty while running his hands up and down his arms.

"The hell happened out there?" Jason questioned Trent who was stripped, wrapped in a blanket, and sitting with his foot propped up on another chair.

"I was pissed at you and not paying attention. Twisted my ankle, fell down a damn embankment and hobbled back because Brock followed me out there." Trent looked to Brock with gratitude and concern in his eyes.

"I'm good, Trent. Just cold and hungry. How's the ankle?"

"Pretty sure it's broken."

"Trent you stormed off so mad at me that you broke your ankle?" Jason wondered how his most stable teammate had gotten there but then again they had been arguing about the Kid.

"Sounds pretty asinine when you put it like that, Jace." Trent looked down.

Trent attempted to move his foot and winced as Clay moved forward with a pillow to put under it. He needed a hospital. The beeping of Sonny's phone drew Jason's attention.

"Uh guys that's Lisa. According to the local news the road up the mountain is washed out by the storm." Sonny held his phone in one hand as the other raked through his hair.

"Of course it is." Trent laughed. "Someone grab me my kit and I'll wrap it up myself."

Clay stood back watching them moving as one to take care of Trent and a nearly frozen Brock. This was the Bravo he remembered. The team he had been drafted to a million lifetimes ago. He thought of all the laughs they had shared and shitshows they gad endured. He wondered how much longer these men would be his family. It scared him. He had lost people before, his father to his own narcissism, his mother to her addiction, his grandparents to death, and his Stella. He wondered if he would always close his eyes and see her smiling through her tears. He wondered how he had let her slip away. She knew before anyone that he was far from alright. She had tried to help. He had punched a wall far to close to where she was standing in response and she had walked out of his life. He wondered what it would take for his brothers to walk away too.


	23. Chapter 23

Amanda had 'just known' they'd be a perfect match. Her third blind date this month and officially her last. She had only agreed to the girls each getting a turn setting her up to shut them up. Sure she'd been single for a year now but that didn't mean she wanted to be with anyone. They said she needed to move forward, get over him. As the man across from her droned on about a research project she had absolutey no interest in she wondered how 30 minutes could feel like a 30 day sentence. She was almost certain she would rather be in jail than sitting here. He was handsome and appeared to be kind but he was so focused on himself and his research she was almost sure he had no idea what her name even was.

As her phone chirped she silenced it. No matter how unbearable this date was she refused to be rude enough to answer it. The immediate text notification intrigued her and she cursed herself for not silencing the phone before coming into the bar and grill. The man, Greg, didn't seem to notice the phone interuption as he rambled on, she for a moment wondered if he was actually reciting his entire dissertation and if he would notice if she simply left. The chirping of her phone again was it.

Standing she looked to him with almost pity in her eyes. "I'm very sorry but I have to go." He nodded and she walked out into the quiet street before looking at her phone.

Two missed calls from Trent. She hadn't remembered putting his number in her phone but there it was as fear built in her chest. Maybe Clay had done it when they were still together. He had always told her if something ever happened to 'call Jace, then call Trent or if it's bad Trent then Jace.' She had always assumed he meant from his phone.

Opening the text with trembling hands she read 'Stella, this is Trent Sawyer. Need to talk. Please answer.' It had to be bad if they were reaching out to her a year after she had said goodbye to him. He was dead. She took a deep breath and steadied herself on a lamppost. Not on the street Stella, get to your car before you call him back. She was panicking. She half ran half walked to her car and unlocked the doors. This was it. This was the moment she had dreaded for so long. At first she thought this call would be easier not being with him. Now she knew this call would destroy her either way.

"Sawyer" He answered on the first ring.

"Trent, it's Stella." She could feel the tears already running down her face as she tried to keep them from her voice.

"Hi Stella, how are you?" Trent didn't sound upset enough, not broken enough for this call.

"Trent... is he? Is he dead?" Her voice showed the tears as it cracked and broke.

"No. God I'm sorry Stella." Trent's heart broke at the sound of her breath hitching. "I'm actually calling because I heard about a new research trial at Hudson. The one dealing with PTSD?"

"He's okay." Stella steadied herself, caught her breath. "Oh of course."

They talked for about thirty minutes which was fine with Stella as she wasn't sure if she was capable of driving right away anyway. They talked about a 'friend' of his who needed help. She knew in her heart that friend was the man she had watched fall apart a year ago. He had gone from her best friend to a man she was starting to fear. The last night she spent with him she had suggested PTSD and he had flown into such a rage that she knew for her own safety it was over. Clay, her Clay would never hurt her, but he wasn't hers anymore. She wasn't even sure he was himself anymore. She could only imagine who he was now.

Stella walked into her empty apartment and slumped into her couch. Her mind traveled back to thw last night she spent with Clay and the brokenness she had swen in his eyes. Guilt washed over her as she thought back to leaving him like that, the same guilt she felt before and during his Mexico deployment. This was different she had told herself. This was to keep herself safe. Pulling out her phone she scrolled through her contacts. Brock, Jason, Ray, Sonny, Trent. All his brothers' numbers were in her phone. She thought back to when he had added them. Before Sonny had died. Before he broke. It might have been the first time they were together. She would probably never know. She wondered if they all had her as a contact in their phone's too, obviously Trent had. She stared at the numbers for hours thinking of him adding them, adding his family to her phone. Finally she set the phone aside and cried herself to sleep wrapped in a throw blanket.

Stella woke around five the next morning with a stiff neck from the uncomfortable way she had fallen asleep. Her feelings from the night before had not dulled as she hoped. If anything they had intensified. Knowing Clay was ill enough for Trent to call her, they were desperate. Clay needed more than his brothers could give, she didn't know whether to be terrified that it was that bad or relieved that they now saw what she had known for so long.

She wondered if she had known his brothers were a call away if that would have changed what had happened between them. At the time she had felt so alone in it. Opening the text Trent had sent the day before she started to type.


	24. Chapter 24

The incessant throbbing in his ankle woke Trent before the sun had risen. He shifted uncomfortably and attempted to elevate the limb. Failed and reached for his phone to play a mindless game. Distraction would help.

He had nearly completed the level when the text notification distracted him and caused him to lose. Who the hell texts someone at 5 in the morning anyway? The only people who texted him were all asleep in their bunks near him. Stella. A part of him was afraid to open it, he knew he shouldn't have reached out to her but also knew she would have the connections to help that he simply didn't. He ignored the text in favor of another round of his silly game but knowing it was just sitting there unread was also too distracting. So he would open it and then decide whether to reply.

Trent, I'm sorry to bother you so early in the morning. I've been thinking about the conversation we had yesterday and there is something I needed you to know. I knew then and know now that we were talking about Clay. He was so lost when I last saw him that I was actually scared. Scared for him and scared of him. I loved him so much but if I had stayed I think I would have been hurt and that isn't easy to admit or accept. I will never know the things he has seen and done. For that I am grateful, I think he is too if we are honest. I miss him. I miss the man he was before. He's been sick for a long time now and I hope he gets the help he needs. He wouldn't let me help him. If you need anything you have my number.

Trent laid in his bunk until after the sun was up reading and rereading her message. She had been scared of Clay, of their Clay, over a year ago. He knew the Kid was struggling but was apparently so lost in his own grief that he had missed it. He thought of Stella of the fear she must have felt and his stomach rolled. Combined with the pain in his foot he was almost certain he was about to vomit.

"Brock." It was a whispered gasp as he tried his damnedest not to gag.

Brock swung his legs down from the top bunk above him immediately. "What's wrong?" He didn't wait for an answer once he saw Trent's face, instead turning to grab the closest garbage can.

Trent rolled to his side gagging and spitting into the can. His stomach rebelled and expelled last night's dinner with a force that hurt his chest. Finally it seemed to be over and Brock took the filled garbage can to the front door setting it outside.

"Water." Jason said opening a bottle and handing it to Trent who took small sips.

"You sure you didn't whack your head?" Sonny stood off to his left.

"Yeah I'm sure." Trent had no intention of telling them what had turned his stomach.

"How many fingers?" Ray held out his hand holding up two fingers.

"Two. I'm good"

"You just tossed your cookies a day after possibly hitting your head on a tree. If it were any of us... come on Trent." Clay was right but that didn't mean he wanted to hear it or that he even really wanted to look at him right now.

"I said I'm fine and I am. Ankle hurts like hell so some advil might help." Trent ground out. "And maybe some fresh air."

"Advil." Brock hand him two pills.

Trent swung his bad left foot off the bunk before turning his body and following it with the right. Jason handed him a zip up sweatshirt that he thought might belong to Brock but he didn't really care.

Trent sat on the porch of the cabin waiting for Brock to come back with coffee as he had promised. Jason sat in the other chair but didn't say anything, he just sat watching the sun go higher in the sky. The air was cool but refreshing.

"I called Stella." Jason raised his eyebrows but let Trent continue. "There is a clinical trial at Hudson that might help him... but, Jace, she left because she was scared of him. She thought he was going to hurt her."

"How do you think he'd react to you calling her?"

"Not well also not the point." Trent was starting to wonder if Brock was heading to Columbia to get the damn coffee beans.

Clay was in the kitchen pulling out items in an attempt to make breakfast when Sonny joined him. "Hey Goldilocks you planning on burning toast for everyone?"

Clay turned toward him shrugging. "Just trying to be useful. Wanna help so it's edible?"

"Sure do, stranded here so who knows how long until we have more supplies." Sonny laughed but it was fake and Clay knew it.

"You worried about the little guy?" Clay turned from the fridge holding eggs.

"Nah he's good with his Mama." Sonny still found it strange being so open about his relationship. "Might be missin' her a bit though."

Clay nodded.

"So what about you? You seeing anyone? If someone asked me two years ago I would have thought you be married to Stella by now."

Clay stared at nothing thinking of her. Her image burned into the best and worst moments of his recent life. Her smile and her tears. The fear in her eyes the night she left.

"Butter, Clay, get the butter." Sonny's words snapped him back to reality.

"Sorry. Here."

"Lost ya there for a minute little buddy." Sonny was trying for normal.

"We lost you for a bit longer than a minute." Clay wasn't smiling. "You good if I step out?"

"I'm sure I can handle breakfast without your culinary expertise. Go ahead." Sonny turned back to the eggs on the stove.

Clay felt like he was interrupting when he stepped outside with Trent and Jason. They stopped the conversation immediately both turning to him. "Just needed a minute... ah away. I'm gonna split some wood while Sonny makes breakfast."

"You happen to know where Brock went? He was supposed to be getting coffee." Trent would have gotten up to get it himself if not for the ankle.

"He should be out soon... he was probably giving us some space in the kitchen." Both men knew the 'us' he was referring to and nodded.

"Hey Clay, there's a clinical trial at Hudson that I really think might help you." Trent figured it was now or never. At least here he was stuck and would have to face them.

"No." Clay walked down the steps before turning back to face them. "I'd rather never operate again." He turned and walked around the side of the cabin to the wood pile.

Clay swung the ax above his head. His heart was pounding in his chest at the thought of being on that campus. The wood split easily. He pictured her face and took another deep breath before swinging again. He couldn't do it. If she saw him there she would be scared in her sanctuary. He would give up everything to never see that fear in her eyes again.


	25. Chapter 25

Clay had been quiet and withdrawn the rest of the day. He chopped the wood they needed and probably enough for the entire winter as well. Only stopping for lunch before he had finished. The rest of Bravo hovered closely but allowed the space he seemed to need.

It was sometime around four that talk of steak on the fire began. Sonny had apparently decided while making breakfast earlier that was the plan for dinner. Clay walked into the kitchen area for water before his shower to find Sonny getting the steak ready while Trent sat at the table wrapping potatoes in tin foil. Brock was laughing at something Ray had said and Jason was cutting broccoli. They looked like a family. Clay just wasn't sure they were his family anymore. How long could they keep carrying him?

Shaking the thoughts away he grabbed a bottled water. "Gonna shower."

"Good, you reek." Trent smiled at him.

Trent even in the worst of circumstances never changed it seemed. Always found a way for everything to be normal, even with untreated broken bones, even when Clay felt like he might be losing his mind.

The sleep had helped, there was no arguing that sedation was making him more able to cope. But coping wasn't living and he wasn't sure that would ever happen again. He had tried. He really had tried. He tried to pretend that everything was fine. Tried to act normal. Tried to see that Sonny didn't die because of him. He had tried but now he was tired. Tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of coping.

He finished the water and walked to the bathroom stripping his sweat soaked t-shirt once inside the door. He pulled off his jeans and ran a hand down his right leg. It was sore from the change in weather. The scars faded but would never disappear. He had known after Manila that he would never be the same. He wished he had realized the same was true of Sadr City. That it would be more than just losing Sonny. That he had lost a part of himself there as well. He thought of Swanny and the brokenness that ended his life. TBI or PTSD it didn't really matter. He wouldn't be seen the way he would have if he had lost the leg in Manila.

Stepping into the shower he thought of Stella. She had been a light in the darkness after Swanny died. She was there in a way she never had to be. He knew with everything in him that he would marry her. That she would be the mother of his children. He saw a strength in her that she herself had questioned before he deployed to Mexico. And then he had destroyed everything.

Trent was trying to help. As he let the scalding water run over his sore shoulders and down his back he tried to remember that. Trent didn't know. No one knew. Stella had been there and even she didn't know the truth of their last night.

His mind was clear now without the alcohol. Sure he had been sober while operating but that had left him little time to think. Now it seemed all he had was time to think. His head hurt, his leg hurt, his chest felt tight. The steaming water should be helping but it wasn't. He saw it over and over in his mind.

_Stella had come home in the evening after a late lecture. She was smiling when she walked inside asking if he wanted to go out to dinner or order in. He told her he'd rather stay in but wasn't hungry. He was sipping whiskey. She'd looked disappointed and asked if he was ever going to want to live again. He yelled. Her smile was gone. She told him he needed help. He was filled with rage. She was standing by the door. He swung. She flinched. His fist went through the drywall. The dust landed on her face. He had wanted to hurt her. Her eyes were wide. Fear was all he saw. He started to apologize. She opened the door. She was gone._

Dinner was almost done and Clay had been in the shower for almost an hour. Trent knocked gently on the door. He was standing with the help of Brock who noticed his agitation increase when there was no response from the other side. Brock knocked, this time harder. Still no response.

"Want me to break it down?" Brock was completely serious.

"Maybe try the knob first." Trent raised an eyebrow at his brother.

Steam poured from the room like a liquid. "Clay. You good?" Trent was hit with the sound of Clay gasping for breath. It was a sound he had heard before in very different cumstances. Brock didn't know what to do, Trent couldn't make it across the room alone but he was very out of his depth. Trent hopped to the toilet and shut the lid sitting down. He wished he at the least had crutches.

"Clay, Brock is going to come shut the water off and give you a towel." It was both a warning to Clay of their approach and an instruction to Brock who slowly moved toward the shower. Pulling back the curtain he turned the water off while averting his eyes.

Clay was sitting on the shower floor. Tears were streaming down his face and his hands were in his wet hair. He didn't seem to notice them or he didn't care. Brock wrapped a large towel around his shoulders and turned to Trent.

"Clay, Brock is going to go eat with the guys. I'm going to stay with you." Trent nodded to Brock to go sensing his uneasiness.

After a few minutes Trent lowered himself to the floor and used his good leg to propel himself backwards toward the shower. The room was hot enough to make him sweat. Finally he was sitting next to Clay just outside the shower.

Trent sat on the floor for what seemed like hours. Clay's breathing eventually evened out with only the occasional hitch. Trent shifted every so often but Clay remained motionless. Eventually his ankle was throbbing in a way he found unable to ignore.

"Clay I need you to listen. I have no idea what's going through that head of yours but you need help and to let us in." Trent rocked slightly trying to ease the pain in his foot.

"I can't go to Hudson. I just can't." Clay raised red swollen eyes to him.

"Talk to me. I don't understand. Tell me why not. I know things didn't end well with Stella but that's the place that I think could help you the most." Trent needed to move.

"Didn't end well is an understatement. Trent I um I hit the wall an inch from her head. I wanted to hit her. She was terrified. She was right to be terrified. I don't know if I could have controlled myself for much longer. It terrified me too. She's not Ray. She..." The tears were flowing again. "I want a drink."

"I know. I want a Vicodin." Trent shifted again.

"Fuck Trent your ankle." Clay stood and quickly threw sweats on before turning back to Trent and lifting him from the floor.

Outside the cabin Brock had explained what was happening in the bathroom. They ate quietly around the fire. No one knew what to think anymore.

Jason was hopeful the road would reopen in the morning. Lisa had called and said it was a strong possibility. Trent needed to have that ankle checked.

Clay walked toward the fire so tired he felt like he could sleep for days. "Any food left? Trent needs something to eat."

"So do you brother." Ray stood to grab food for both of them.

Sinking into an empty chair Clay exhaled a breath he forgot he was holding. He was exhausted and wanted to sleep but knew he had to eat. Ray handed him a plate and he started to pick at the food as Brock took some inside to Trent. The tension was so think in the air around him he felt like it would take a chainsaw to cut it.

"Hey Jace, you might be right." Clay's tear swollen eye's looked to each of them. "It might be time for me to just stop. It isn't fair to you guys." He looked back to the fire.

"I wasn't right and that's why Trent wanted to tear my head off. Clay you're one of us. We need you to get better." Jason rarely admitted he was wrong but he knew he was and not saying it wasn't an option.

"I.. I don't know if I can." Clay was spent.

"We can talk more in the morning little buddy. Let's rack out." Sonny knew Clay was just moving the food around on his plate anyway and needed his bunk more than this conversation. The father in Sonny broke watching the Kid sitting before him. He wanted to wrap his arms around him. Wanted to tuck him in a bed and tell him silly stories until he fell asleep. Wanted to sing twinkle twinkle little star until he was calmed. Wanted to take this all away. Wanted to make this better.


	26. Chapter 26

Stella was half asleep around midnight when her phone dinged alerting her to a text message. She rolled toward her nightstand grabbing it off the charger. Normally she would ignore a text this late especially with a class at 8 in the morning but not right now. Right now it didn't matter. Not after her conversation with Trent, not after the text she had sent that there had been no response to.

Opening the text Trent sent she sighed. 'Need your help' There was an address as well. Her phone chimed again. 'Totally understand if this is too much. He's unwilling to go to Hudson because he thinks it will scare you. Call if you would rather'

Throwing the covers back Stella walked to her closet phone still in hand. She threw a pair of jeans and a hoodie on the bed and input the address into her GPS. Seeing the distance she turned back to the closet and grabbed more clothing and her hiking boots. If she knew Clay and his brothers at all she knew not to expect them to be at a resort. She then opened her university email and wrote out a classwide message cancelling all her classes for the rest of the week. Before hitting send she closed her eyes and prayed this was the right decision.

She drove through the night reaching a small town fifteen minutes before the GPS told her she would arrive at their location. It was four in the morning. Pulling over she contemplated her next move. She obviously couldn't go straight to them. Waking a tier one operator in the middle of the night wasn't wise... a whole group of them... no. She sat in her car for a bit before deciding to find some coffee. The town had to at the least have a gas station.

She drove another five minutes before spotting a small diner. The parking lot was empty but the open sign was bright. Walking inside she took a seat at the counter and ordered a coffee. She glanced at the t.v. above the counter. On the local news there was a report about roads reopening after a storm. Must have been some storm she thought to herself.

She sat and drank coffee for close to two hours. Her mind taking her back to the night she lost him. More than anything she had wanted him to get the help he needed. She missed his smile. His real smile that reached his eyes. She felt like she had lost him already but had been willing to fight for him still until... until the anger in him turned on her. The wall was a better choice but she knew he had wanted to hit her.

"Are you alright, darling?" The older waitress asked her and she realized she had zoned out, gone back to another time in her mind.

"Yeah sorry. Can I please get a dozen blueberry muffins from your bakery case?" Stella smiled at the sweet woman before looking around the diner to see the place was filling up with early morning customers. Glancing to her phone she realized it was almost seven. It was time. She handed the sweet waitress two twenties telling her to keep the change and walked out with her muffins.

She sat in her car in the parking lot of the diner. It occurred to her that she had never responded to Trent the night before. She should probably warn him, '10 minutes out' she hit send and started the car. Putting it into drive she pulled from the parking lot with her heart beating as fast as if she had just run a marathon and she felt like she had.

As she turned onto the dirt road that lead up the mountain she slowed down and her hair back. She wasn't sure what she would find when she looked at him. Wasn't sure he would even want to see her but Trent wouldn't have given her the address without needing her to come.

Trent was dressed and sitting at the table sipping vanilla coffee with Jason and Brock while Ray made toast. They planned to head to the hospital shortly to get x-rays. Sonny was awake but still laying down and Clay was still asleep. When his phone beeped he thought that Stella had probably just woken up to his message.

"Fuck." He hadn't meant to react to the text. Hadn't expected her to drive all night. Maybe he should have, Clay was willing to give up his dream for her, it shouldn't have surprised him that she got in her car last night.

"What's wrong man?" Jason turned toward his medic.

"Ummm I have been in contact with Stella... you knew Jace. She's almost here. I thought she would call to talk. Thought I'd have time to let him know." Trent didn't know what to do. He knew Clay needed to talk to Stella before he would ever agree to the clinical trial but hadn't planned for her to come without warning Clay.

"Fuck is right." Brock was shaking his head. He was struggling to get the image of Clay crying in the shower out of his head and could only imagine the ramifications of what was about to happen.

"Text her back. Tell her to give us 20." Ray said as Sonny sat up in his bunk. Trent was immediately typing a message to her.

"Clay. Hey buddy I'm gonna need you to get up." Sonny crouched beside his brother.

"Don't wanna." He could be such a child.

"Too bad, we got company coming."

Clay sat up so fast Sonny almost fell backwards. Clay's frantic eyes searched his surroundings for his rifle and panic set in when he didn't find it. He threw the covers off now standing and looked to Jason for instructions.

"Whoa, whoa. Not what he meant. Not that kind of company. Jesus Sonny." Jason was crossing the room shaking his head.

Trent was attempting to stand. Stumbling really and felt like shit that not only was this morning about to get much worse but that he couldn't get to Clay's side.

"Brother." All eyes in the room looked to Trent. "You're gonna be pissed but I contacted Stella. She's on her way here now."

Clay wavered. Stumbled backwards at the words. The back of his legs hit the bunk behing him and he crumpled like paper to the floor.

The sound of tires on the gravel drive drew their attention. She must not have gotten the message to give them more time. Clay looked like a wild animal. Sonny walked to the door to stop the woman in the driveway. To give them all a minute.

She was stepping from her car when she came face to face with a ghost. Sonny was standing on the last porch step looking at her sadly. Stella steadied herself at the sight of him and took a step forward.

"Stella. We need a minute."

"Sonny... you a... you look pretty good for a dead man. I was at your funeral." The confusion on her face made him suddenly realize he himself had explaining to do to a lot of people.

"Yeah uh well that's a long story." Sonny half smiled at her.

"I'm sure it is." Stella moved toward him with her arms stretched out to hug the Texan. Sonny hugged her back hoping she wasn't the dynamite that would blow their chance at helping Clay.

"I should have let Trent know I was coming sooner I'm sorry."

"Trent also should have probably let someone know he was talking to you. Maybe someone like Clay." Sonny twisted the toothpick in his fingers before placing it back in his mouth.

"Would have been nice of Trent to also let me know you weren't dead." Stella returned his smile.

"Damn Trent anyway. Might have to break his other foot."

"What? Trent broke his foot?" She was almost grateful for the distraction Sonny was intentionally providing both for her and the men inside. Almost grateful. Standing in the early morning hours she didn't feel the cold. A feeling almost like electricity tingled through her.

"Kinda another long story." Sonny was running out of things to say and was unsure of how much to share with her.

"Yeah." Stella shifted from one foot to the other then back again. Her nervousness visible.

The sound of the door opening caused them both to turn. Jason took a step ontonthe porch before closing the door behind himself. "Stella." He nodded to her in the way people do at funerals when they know they should say or do something and be polite but there isn't a thing to say or do.

"Should I just go? I mean I assumed he knew Trent had called me... I'll go." She turned toward her car and took a step.

Jason's voice stopped her. "Stella he knows you're here. You drove over four hours and he already knows. You might as well stay a minute."

"Yeah, yeah I guess." She took the two steps back towards the cabin.

"We won't leave you alone with him... unless you ask us to and then we will be close." Jason's words caused Sonny to give him a sideways look but glancing back Stella was nodding gratefully. "He's as ready as he'll ever be."

Stella took a deep breathe and closed her eyes. Exhaling she opened them and stepped toward the cabin, toward Clay. She absently wondered if she was moving forward or backward with each step.


	27. Chapter 27

She felt as though she was walking to her own death. Imagines of the gallows flashed before her eyes. With each step she had to remind herself to breathe. Finally she was on the porch. Close to the door. There was no going back now.

Jason opened the door and held it for her while stepping inside. The warmth from the cabin was inviting. That was the only inviting thing about it. Sonny followed her inside. She felt slightly like a trapped animal.

Clay was sitting at the table. His head was in his hands and his hair was ruffled from running them through it. His shoulders were slumped. Without even seeing his face Stella knew he was broken.

She took two steps forward and stopped. She knew his brothers were watching her but she didn't see them. All she saw was Clay. She wanted to run to him, to hold him, to tell him that everything would be okay but she stood like a deer in headlights as he slowly raised his head to look up at her.

When his eyes met hers he expected to see fear. It was almost startling not to, in his mind she always looked afraid of him. As she took a step closer he saw no fear. He saw instead compassion and care. He saw love and longing. "Stell, you were right." He broke the eye contact and lowered his head to the table.

"I know. You ready now?" She fought the urge to run to him.

"I'm scared Stella. Scared it won't work... maybe even scared it will." She moved closer.

"I know but that's not what I asked you." She was now standing across the table from him.

Clay looked back up at her, slightly surprised at how close she had gotten. "I'm ready now."

"Good." Stella pulled the chair out and sat at the table facing him. "The program at Hudson is a three week outpatient intensive clinical trial. You are required to participate at least four days a week if you agree but you will be given a number only. Because it is a trial and for research purposes only the participants are not identified. The researchers will be the only people who will know any of your history and only what you chose to share. Any documentation will refer to you by number and say unspecified trauma. I know the guy running the trial. He's good and he's saving you a place in the round that starts next week."

Clay extended a hand toward the middle of the table. "Thank you. After everything..." his voice cracked and she took his extended hand in hers. "You didn't have to do all this." A tear rolled down his cheek.

"Clay... all I ever wanted was for you to be ready. Today you're ready." Her eyes threatened to spill tears.

Sonny had stepped onto the porch to call Lisa. Ray had agreed he needed to check in with Naima. Jason and Brock had managed to somehow slip out with Cerb. Trent wanted to kick all there asses for leaving him immobile in this room.

The door shutting brought Clay back to the present. Looking around he noticed Trent wishing to be anywhere but here. The man probably wished he was at a damn hospital now that the road was passable.

"Trent you wanna get that foot looked at?" Clay looked over as he was wincing.

Trent almost laughed. "It'd be nice, maybe they'll give me something more than advil." Clay walked to the door and stepped outside.

Turning to him Stella smiled. "Thank you for calling."

"No thank you for figuring all this out. I didn't know where to begin. Was afraid I'd ruin him trying to help him." A clinical trial was the perfect solution.

"It's sort of what I do." She turned as the door opened and the guys walked back inside.

"Thinking if it's okay Ray and I will take you to the hospital, gonna drop Sonny off with the wife and kid for a bit and Brock wants to stay here with Cerb." Jason looked to Trent for approval.

"Sounds good." Trent turned to Stella. "Wanna follow us off the mountain?"

"Actually if it's okay with you Clay..." She turned to include him. "I sort of wanted to hike around a bit. I've been in the car all night and it's beautiful here."

"Yeah of course. I could join you if you want... with Brock and Cerb." He was unsure of himself.

"Well I wasn't planning on walking off into the woods alone." Her smile was genuine and for the first time in a long time he felt like his was too. "Have you guys eaten?" She looked to the plate of cold toast.

"No actually we haven't." Sonny dumped the toast in the garbage can.

"I brought muffins." Stella stood and walked to the door.

"Blueberry?" Clay looked up hopefully, looking younger than he had in over a year.

"Of course." She laughed walking outside.

Trent sat at the table with his foot propped on the chair next to him watching the interaction. The smile on Clay's face was real. The way he spoke to her real. For just an instant looking at Clay smile with Sonny standing near it was like going back in time.


	28. Chapter 28

The trail they took on their hike was one none of Bravo had explored before. Turning and twisting around the mountain side. It wasn't steap and was the perfect path for a novice hiker during consistently dry conditions. Unfortunately consistently dry weren't the current conditions.

The trail was muddy and like walking on a slip and slide. And Clay slipped and slid in the mud until he couldn't keep upright and finally landed hard on his ass eliciting laughter from both Stella and Brock. Cerb was quick to join him earning a scolding from Brock as the dog rolled to his back.

Sonny drove Lisa's car up the mountain road in late afternoon as Royar slept in the backseat and Lisa sang along to a song on the radio. There were so many new songs, movies, and tv shows that at this point he didn't see the point in trying to catch up on what he had missed. Pointless anyway, he figured, the best movies were old westerns and all the best country music had already been written. But when she sang along a little part of him longed to know the words, to join her.

As he turned the last bend on the curving road Lisa saw them first. "What the hell?" Brock, Clay, and Stella were walking towards the cabin with dry and drying mud caked all over them. Dust flew as Brock ruffled Clay's hair. The three were laughing as Cerb attempted to shake the mud from himself.

As Lisa pulled the sleeping little boy from the car he snuggled into her. Drool ran down her collar bone but she didn't care. Sonny's laughter in the distance filled her ears.

"What the hell happened to you four?" Sonny looked to the humans and Cerb.

"Well you see I fell and Cerb joined me." Clay laughed.

"Then he thought it would be cute to start throwing mud at me for laughing." Brock's scowl was insincere.

"And I made the mistake of taking pictures of their wrestling match." Stella held out her somehow still clean phone and laughed.

Sonny couldn't help but laugh along at the idea of Clay starting a mud fight with the other two. It was childish but reminded him of the Clay he knew before Manila, before Sadr City, before he broke. It gave him more hope than he would have ever been willing to admit.

The sound of truck tires coming up the gravel road ended the laughter as the four of them walked to where Jason was parking close to the cabin door. The passenger door swung open and Ray jumped out turning back to help an obviously drugged and pissed off Trent.

"I'm not saying he's wrong! I'm saying he was about 12 years old and doesn't know shit." Trent grabbed for the crutches Ray was holding as Jason nodded to the others questioningly.

"So you're saying he's wrong then?" Ray deadpanned.

"Yes Ray! That's exactly what I'm saying." The animation in Trent's voice made Sonny suppress another round of laughter. He couldn't be sure because he hadn't remembered them for so long but he felt in this moment that this is what he had longed for, this is what he had missed without knowing he had missed it.

In the cabin Lisa had laid the sleeping child on Sonny's bunk. And started picking up the mess that was left by six men who were old enough to clean up after themselves. The door opening startled her as she ran water into the sink to start washing dishes.

"Look all I'm saying is I would have rather been seen in a third world country or by Cerb's Veteranian than that kid!" Trent was stumbling along on his crutches and causing laughter among the rest of Bravo.

"He gave you Vicodin though... How about you lay down for a bit while we figure dinner and these three become human again." Ray motioned toward the muddy trio.

"Don't even wanna know." Trent hobbled to his designated bunk and clasped. Between the exhaustion and the pain killers he was beyond done.

"I'm not sure I wanna know either." Jason smiled as Brock lowered his head and smirked.

"Apparently my kid is more mature than those three havin' a mud fight." Sonny laughed.

"If you plan to eat with us you better get cleaned up." Lisa laughed as she handed Clay a broom indicating they would be cleaning the floor too.

"Umm I don't have soap." Stella looked to Clay.

"You can use mine." He grabbed his shower bag, handing it over.

Stella inhaled the scent of the man she couldn't remember not loving as the mud crumbled off of her in the hot shower. His shampoo and body wash mixing to duplicate his aroma. She thought of long deployments when she would buy these products to use on hard days when she needed a piece of him close. Tears ran down her cheeks as the soap and mud washed down the drain.

Brock called the bathroom next and immediately claimed it when she exited. In the kitchen Lisa was making dinner. Spaghetti. Jason watched her cooking what he assumed was a signature dish of hers and wondered if she even remembered cooking it in his kitchen. It had been the day before Sonny's funeral. He thought back to Emma telling him to leave Clay alone in his grief and bit his tongue at the mistake.

"Want some help?" Stella asked walking into the kitchen.

"Sure. Wanna throw the salad together?" Lisa turned to her. Stella gathered the vegetables and a knife on the cutting board. "Thanks."

"So... you and Sonny?" Stella looked to her. "I'm sorry that was very forward and also not my place." She laughed nervously as she remembered this wasn't her world anymore.

"No umm you're okay." Lisa faced her. "Yeah we actually ah got married last week."

"Wow. Congratulations!"

"Thank you. It's a bit overwhelming honestly. Last week he was dead and now he's my husband and that baby is ours." She looked toward him sitting on his bunk reading something while Royar slept and smiled.

"Husband... never really thought of Sonny as the husband type." Stella laughed and Lisa nodded laughing with her.

"Smells good! When do we eat?" Brock and a cleaned up Cerb patted into the kitchen area.

"Fifteen, if you want to wake Trent and let Sonny know that Monkey needs to get up too." Lisa responded while stirring the sauce.

"Trent... hey brother... foods almost done." Brock walked toward him.

"Fuck off." Trent mumbled.

Clay laughed as he walked from the bathroom towel drying his hair. "I don't ever wanna hear shit from him about me and pain meds again!"

Trent rolled over looking at Clay with a scowl on his face. "What's that mean? I'm grumpy but you turn into a clinging toddler! I promise you're worse."

"Says? You?" Clay responded.

"Yeah and everyone in this room." Trent sat up.

"What'd the doc say about the foot?" Clay looked at the walking boot.

"He didn't know shit." Trent yawned. "Said the foot is broken 4th metatarsal but he also wanted an MRI. Said it's a grade 3 ankle sprain."

"So longer rehab?" Clay handed him his crutches to go to the table. "Surgery?"

"Didn't do the MRI. I'll go see an adult doctor when we get back but I hope not."

"Let's go eat."

The dinner was laid back and filled with more conversation and laughter than they had enjoyed in months. Towards the end of the meal Clay who was sitting next to Royar put some of his uncut spaghetti on the boy's plate. As Lisa and Sonny watched him he taught the boy how to slurp the noodles. Giggles filled the air from both.

"He's never gonna let us cut spaghetti up again." Sonny's eyes met Lisa's as she laughed.

On the other side of Clay Stella yawned again. She hadn't slept since the night before last and the exhaustion was starting to fully set in now that she had eaten. Her eyes were starting to droop.

"I should head off the mountain soon and try to find a hotel." She put her hand to her mouth covering another yawn.

Trent looked to Jason with raised eyebrows prompting him to intervene. "Stella, I'm not sure you should be driving anywhere. If you want to go let us get you there." Jason would never force her to stay. "I'll drive you in you're car and Clay can follow in my truck."

"No I'm okay. I'll be fine." Her sentence being punctuated with another yawn didn't help her argument. "Okay... yeah I'm exhausted."

"Stell, you could just stay here." Clay looked to her for a reaction. "There are ten bunks."

"I could." She smiled to him again wondering how those big blue eyes and that smile always got to her.

Trent wasn't exactly sure what time it was as he stumbled back to his bunk from the bathroom. Looking from one bunk to the next he noted that everyone seemed to be sleeping well except for himself. As he continued his visual check of his brothers his eyes landed on the empty bunk that Stella had fallen asleep in hours earlier.

He found her on the porch of the cabin. "It's cold out here."

"Just needed some air."

"You okay?" Trent crutched to the closest chair.

"I'm not sure. I want to be. And I want to believe that he's going to be okay, that the glimpses of who he was are real. How is it that Sonny seems so okay and Clay is so broken? How?" Her heart was beating to fast.

"I have no idea honestly... mind is a funny thing I guess." Trent sighed. "Stella can I ask you something?"

Stella nodded and turned to him. "Yeah."

"What's your plan here?"

"I'm not sure I have one beyond getting him to Hudson in four days." A tear slipped down her cheek. "I wish I did. I love him. I think I always will."

"Yeah. Hey it's freezing out here and we both need sleep." She stood and waited for him before entering the cabin.

Clay laid in his bunk watching them come back inside grateful that someone had noticed she was alone outside because he was unsure how to follow her. As he listened to her breathing even out he wondered how many more nights he would be able to listen to her softly snore. He hoped this wouldn't be the last.

"Hey Trent.. thanks." Clay whispered.

"Night brother." Trent turned and pulled the covers higher thinking of the amount of uncertainty all of their lives held. He also thought that at least they weren't alone as he drifted to sleep.


	29. Chapter 29

"You ready to go back to real life tomorrow?" Jason approached Clay at the firepit on Saturday evening.

"Not really. I'm not totally sure what real life looks like anymore, Boss." Clay's answer was honest.

"Well then let's just enjoy the last night here. How's the fire coming?"

"Wood is wet." Clay was getting frustrated with the smoke and lack of flame.

"Lemme try!" Sonny joined the conversation.

Once the fire was raging with the Texan's help the team, Stella, Davis and Royar enjoyed the warmth it provided. Clay watched as Stella helped the little boy make a smore. Her smile was the realest thing he thought he had ever seen. He missed making her smile.

"You good?" Trent had noticed him watching her.

"Yeah, nervous about Monday. And dreading the drive home. And I'm getting tired." It wasn't even nine yet but Trent didn't point that out to him.

"I have an appointment on Monday to get the foot and ankle looked at but could reschedule if you want someone to go along?" Trent waited for his answer.

"No that's okay. You need to figure your shit out Trent. Thanks though." He eyes wandered back to the brunette he had fallen for what felt like a lifetime ago. In the flickering light of the fire she wiped chocolate from the child's face. That was his future once upon a time. She was his future once upon a time. Watching her as a part of his past increased his heartrate. "Hey Trent, can I get my meds soon?" Trent reached for his crutches while nodding to Clay.

Clay walked through the campus of Hudson after the first day of week three of the clinical trial. He was required to be there 4 out of 5 days during the last two weeks but had gone all 5 days each week. Between acupuncture, EMDR, talk, and Art therapy, which he thought was silly at first, he finally felt like he was making progress. It also didn't hurt that he was also still taking the "allergy" medication Trent had suggested.

Stella had accompanied him to the intake on the first day and texted him that evening. He kept his responses to her over the last two weeks short and to the point. He was tired and overwhelmed. She was trting to be a good friend to him and he didn't think he could accept her friendship when all he wanted was forever.

The campus was full of kids laughing, going to and from classes, playing flag football, and some on their way to meals. Clay put his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. He'd worn it for comfort, warmth, and if he were honest with himself to help him blend in a bit. The air was getting colder as he made it almost to the parking lot.

"Clay! Hey wait up!" Stella's voice stopped him in his tracks. Turning he watched her jog towards him.

"Hey." Clay stood in the cold wind wishing it would blow him away.

"How are you? How's the trial going?" Stella cared, he knew she did, but that didn't make it easier.

"Yeah it seems to be helping. Identifying triggers and coping with them." What he didn't say is that he felt more in control than he had in over a year. That he was starting to feel well again in a way he hadn't been sure he ever would.

"That's amazing Clay!" She touched his arm and her smile was huge.

"Yeah I guess it is, but hey uh Trent's waiting for me so I gotta run." Clay turned back to the parking lot.

Clay climbed into Trent's truck and exhaled. Trent had the heat blasting, maybe a bit too much. "Cold?" Clay laughed while turning it down.

"Actually yeah and my truck." Trent turned the heat back up. "How was today?"

"Eh. It was today." Clay looked out his window.

"What happened?" Trent was used to Clay getting in and immediately telling him how the day went. The first day they had made him color and paint he had ranted the entire way back to Trent's house.

"You saw the orthopedic surgeon today? How'd that go?" Clay deflected.

"Good. Definitely a grade 3 sprain but it appears to be healing without needing surgery. I'll be down for at least another 12 weeks though."

"Yeah. That's good you don't need surgery." Clay looked back out the window.

"Naima is visiting her parents with the kids. Ray wants everyone to come over tonight. You up for that?" Trent hadn't seen Clay this withdrawn from him since before their night spent sitting on the bathroom floor.

"Yeah sure." Clay agreed before realizing what Trent had actually said instead his mind had wandered back to his apartment. To the fight with Stella. To the hole that still marred his wall. He'd patched and sanded it but never bothered to paint it.

Clay zoned in and out of the conversation mostly just wishing to be at home, well Trent's, and in bed. It was cold and the fire didn't seem to be helping. He felt another shutter go through him and groaned at how sore his right leg was becoming. The timing of his audible annoyance happened as Brock had asked Sonny something. Clay wasn't sure what.

"You got a problem, Sunshine?" Sonny's irritation and use of a nickname drew his attention.

"Huh?" Clay turned to him in confusion.

"What are you moaning and groaning about?" Sonny's voice rose.

"Whoa, everyone take a deep breath. I'm sure Clay didn't mean anything, right Clay?" Ray stood.

"I honestly have no idea what the fucks even going on. I'm cold and tired and my leg hurts. What did I do to you Sonny?" Clay looked to him.

"Sonny's just mad cause I asked aboyt married life and you sounded annoyed." Brock clarified.

"Oh. Son, you know I'm happy for you. Honestly brother, I'm just cold and tired."

"It's good. Just a misunderstanding." Sonny extended a fist to bumo and Clay decided he needed to pay more attention.

"Clay you can go inside if you're freezing." Ray motioned toward the house.

"I'm not trying to break up the party." Clay felt guilty.

"I'll come with." Jason stood before Clay could argue. "It is getting too cold."

Once in the house Clay grabbed the throw blanket off the couch and wrapped it around himself while sitting down. Jason stood in the roim watching him. Waiting.

"You're folding back in on yourself. What's goung on?" Jason had waited long enough for him to open up.

"Saw Stella today. She was so happy the trial is going well." Clay looked to the floor.

"And?" Jason waited.

"And... I think she wants to stay in touch. Be friends... I uh I um I can't." Clay wished he could explain it. Wished he had the answers. His mind drifted back to losing Sonny. His best friend had fear in his eyes as he told Clay to go high, to cover the team. It was the same fear he saw in Stella their last night together. He shook his head trying to erase that fear, knew Jason was watching waiting for an explanation. He didn't have one.

**A/N~ I'm not sure how many are still reading. This story has gotten away from me and I'm in the process of winding it down. To those still enjoying it thank you. Prompts are welcome for this and future stories. Reviews are always welcome. **


	30. Chapter 30

"Clay, you've been making quite a bit of progress and we're all very happy with your enthusiasm for the program but in the paperwork that you filled out it states that your most traumatic experience happened within the last two years. You've worked through so much but have refused to discuss anything recent. Do you want to talk about why?" Mike, the graduate student working with him, stated while reviewing papers in front of him.

Clay stared at the floor. This program was helping but he wasn't sure he would ever be able to talk about the last two years. "Not really."

"You have four days left if you chose to come on Friday, which I have a feeling you will." Mike looked up from the papers.

"I will." Clay didn't meet his gaze.

"We'll be doing more EMDR today. While I set up the light why don't you reconsider. Clay, I really think we can help if you'll let us." Mike's words reminded him of Trent.

As the light started flashing horizontally Clay's eyes followed it. "Tell me what event we will be discussing today?" Mike's tone was even.

With his eyes still following the light Clay exhaled. "I can't tell you where, I can't tell you why, and I can only tell you minimally who. It was a long time ago and it was yesterday. We were taking fire from what seemed to be every direction. My best friend and I were tasked to stay together and move to a certain location. We were heading that way when the rest of our team became pinned down. They were calling for QRF um a quick reaction force. Sonny...he um he told me to go high. I'm a sniper. And I told him no. He pulled rank and sent me anyway. He didn't come home from that mission." Clay felt lightheaded and was sweating. He wanted to turn the stupid light off but his eyes continued to track it.

"He ordered you to go high. That wasn't your choice Clay. Tell me what you felt?"

"What I felt? Sick. I felt sick. Every time I closed my eyes I saw the fear in his eyes at the thought of our brothers being outgunned. And then after... when I was writing his eulogy I pictured the different ways he died... there was no body. So it was like a horror story in my imagination. I spent days trying to figure out what to say." His blue eyes shifted back and forth.

"Clay it sounds to me that it wasn't actually losing him that caused you the most trauma. What do you think it was?"

"It was losing him. It was knowing how scared he was. How alone... It was sitting alone and fighting for the right words that wouldn't come in any language. It was the failure. It was that I went high and should have been there with him."

"How are you feeling Clay?" Mike had noticed his rapid breathing.

"Like I did while crumpling papers on my kitchen floor. I'm tired." Clay wanted to look away from the light but didn't. "Like it doesn't matter how I feel because I just have to do this."

"Clay we can absolutely take a break. If you need to stop we will. There is no shame in it." Mike watched as Clay's eyes moved.

"No."

"Okay Clay. Tell me another time you saw fear in someone's eyes?" Mike's words hit him like a punch to the gut.

"Can I maybe just not? Maybe take that break?" Clay suddenly felt nauseas.

"Absolutely Clay if you need to." Mike reached to turn off the light.

"No wait... I uh I umm I wanted to hit my girlfriend. I didn't but I wanted to. I hit the wall instead. Her eyes... her eyes held fear like his had. I couldn't think about her without seeing it. I'd try to remember the good times but even those memories were tainted by terror in her eyes." Clay's hands were trembling and he was dizzy.

"Clay you're doing really well. How are you feeling?" Mike watched as sweat poured down Clay's face, as his knee bounced, as his hand trembled. He regretted not forcing him to take a break but he feared that would have allowed him to build his walls back up.

"I'm going to vomit." Clay's eyes left the lights in search of the garbage can.

Mike handed him a tissue as he finished vomiting. "Clay it's important to know your limits and say what you need. I think you should take the rest of the day. Come back tomorrow."

"Yeah I'll call my ride. But can I just sit for a minute?"

"If that is what you need of course." Mike smiled.

Trent was surprised when Clay called him before noon but immediately left to get him. Clay was standing in the light rain that felt like it was freezing to his skin. As he climbed into the truck he was grateful Trent had the heat cranked again today.

"Trent." Clay looked up to him. "Can we talk about it later?"

Trent watched as dispite the cold Clay sweat, as his hands shook. Reaching over and placing his right hand on his shoulder Trent nodded. Clay leaned into his touch and lowered his head to the hand. His cheek was cold and warm tears were shortly on Trent's hand as he pulled away.

Trent didn't pull his hand away until he pulled into the driveway. Clay looked up as if realizing that he had missed the drive somehow. They walked into the house silently.

Trent guided Clay to the couch and wrapped a throw blanket around his shoulders before moving into the kitchen to brew coffee. Returning to the living room with two steaming thermos of coffee he sat next to Clay on the couch. Clay didn't look at him but shifted closer until their shoulders touched. A tear slipped from his eye.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Trent spoke quietly.

Clay was rocking slightly and trying to control his breathing. "Not yet... please." His voice broke. He looked like a child and Trent shifted until his arms were wrapped around him. Clay's breath caught in his throat as he sobbed. Fisting Trent's shirt as he was held he let go of the facade he had so desperately clung to and instead clung to Trent.

When Clay woke hours later he was no longer in his brother's arms. Trent was sitting in the recliner nearby reading a book with his foot up. As he shifted Trent set the book aside.

"Sonny called. He wanted to know if we wanted to come over for a family dinner. Everyone is going, I guess the vote was Chinese food."

"What'd you tell him?" Clay sat up.

"I told him you were at Hudson and I felt like crap but would think about it." Trent smiled.

"Thanks for that and for well you know. I like Chinese." Clay reached dor the long cold coffee. "We did EMDR again today. It was bad."

"Bad how?" Trent lowered the footrest.

"Bad. Um you know today was the first time I talked about losing Sonny and umm the night Stella left." Clay pulled the blanket closer.

Trent was surprised to know he hadn't opened up about the most traumatic events earlier. "And you needed to leave early?"

"I puked. When I was talking about Stella. Sorta ended the session." Clay looked up at him. His eyes were puffy but he looked a bit more rested.

"I can see that. You think maybe avoiding her helping?" Trent raised an eyebrow.

"You're talking to her still." It wasn't a question or an accusation.

"Don't tell her anything specific but yeah." Trent looked down hoping his brother didn't feel betrayed.

"I get it. I probably should bite the bullet and call her. Maybe after Chinese?" Clay wanted him to tell him what to do.

"Maybe brother." Trent wasn't willing to force more than he already had. "Text Sonny while I hit the head and then we'll go."

The drive to Sonny's wasn't long but it did give Clay time enough to realize that for the first time in what felt like forever he was happy spend the evening with his family. He hoped they remembered to order the shrimp egg rolls he liked. His thoughts skipped to Royar and he decided to show the boy that you could slurp lo mien as easily as spaghetti. By the time they pulled up Clay would admit he was actually excited for tonight.

**A/N~ Thank you to everyone who responded to my last note. I appreciate all the reviews and support. I have decided to let this story continue as organically as possible and not try to force an ending that doesn't seem to be coming. I may start another fic and leave this one for a bit but I doubt that or the ending may come, who knows? Anyway thank you all so much. Please continue to review, it's motivating. **


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N~ Not sure about the rest of you but I needed something a little lighter after enduring Trent holding a sobbing Clay. So here is that something a little lighter. I hope you all enjoy! Remember reviews are always welcome. **

The next day after Trent picked him up from an easier day at Hudson Clay decided he would wait until Friday to contact Stella. Trent was right he needed to discuss a lot with her but he also knew he needed to work through this without interference first. He needed to focus on himself.

"Hey you think we could stop on Main St on the way home?" Clay looked apprehensive to ask.

"Sure. What for?" Trent glanced in his direction as he drove.

"Umm well there's a toy store and I noticed the little guy doesn't have many toys and I figured I could get some for now and maybe get a head start on Christmas. You think they'd be okay with that?" Clay was rambling and as much as he hated it Trent thought it was slightly adorable.

"I think they would." Trent said as he turned into Main.

Clay and Trent wandered around the toy store for a bit before they found suitable toys for the boy. As they made their purchases and Clay carried the bags for them both he noticed the cashier flirting with Trent as his brother paid. Trent, who appeared to be oblivious. Clay nudged him and Trent blushed and shook his head indicating that he had indeed noticed and was uncomfortable.

"Hey baby you ready to go home?" Clay smiled at him and winked.

"Yeah honey I am." They barely made it out of the store before dissolving into hysterical laughter.

As they walked up to Lisa and Sonny's house with bags of toys in hand they were still laughing. Knocking on the door with on hand Clay linked his other through Trent's as the man balanced on his crutched. Lisa opened the door to them leaning into each other and in hysterics.

"Okay." She drew the word out while shaking her head. "Sonny you're brothers are here!" Lisa opened the door wider and laughed as they stumbled inside.

"You two got something to share?" Sonny smiled while shaking his head at their antics.

As Clay told the story both Lisa and Sonny laughed along while Royar played happily with a toy on the living room floor. "But that brings us back to why we are here. Hey little man come over here?"

Royar looked up at the change in Clay's tone. "Uncle." The boy stood and came to Clay who was pulling toy after toy from the bag. There were cars, dinosaurs, wooden blocks, and even a little boy baby doll with dinosaur pajamas on. Royar's eyes were wide as he watched but he didn't attempt to play with any of it.

Trent sat holding his own bag and watched the boy's confussed expression. "I don't think he understands that those toys are for him Clay."

Instantly Clay pointed to the toys and then to the boy while smiling. "Royar." He then pointed back to the toys and the boy ran into his arms giggling.

Trent laughed with the child as Clay's eyes lit up at the boy's reaction. Clay looked up to him and then turned the boy towards him. "Uncle Trent has a toy too!"

Royar turned and bounced to Trent. "You guys are spoiling him." Sonny shook his head.

"Our job as Uncles. Also this was all totally Clay's fault and you should see the Christmas gifts he already bought." Trent laughed while pulling a leather bag containing a wooden doctor's set from the bag. "Got him his very own Med Kit!" Trent was very happy with his find.

"Tacos are ready." Lisa poked her head into the room. "There's plenty so I set the table for five." Before they could argue she was back in the kitchen and the four of them headed to dinner.

On the drive home Clay dozed as Trent drove. It had been a long time since he'd seen Clay so at ease and watching his little brother play with their nephew was both hysterical and heartwarming. Trent had thought he might die when the boy grabbed his brand new med kit and immediately went to Clay. When the boy had looked at him seriously and said "Hold Still" both Sonny and Trent had laughed until tears gathered in their eyes. Clay played the part of patient perfectly for the boy and followed every instruction given in two languages. Clay had held still for so long during one part of the exam that he had started to drift to sleep and it was then that they called it a night.

After brushing his teeth Clay popped his head into Trent's room. "Hey thanks for stopping at the toy store."

"No problem. It was fun watching you two play." Trent looked up from his book.

"He's a good kid." Clay looked down. "When I was a kid I uh didn't have many toys. Just wanted him to have them."

Trent was surprised that Clay had opened up about the childhood he rarely spoke of even if it was a small piece of information. "It was a good thing. And you're right he is a good kid."

"Well anyway thanks again for tonight and goodnight." Clay turned to return to the living room.

"Hey Clay, thanks for tonight too. Your idea, I was along for the ride. Night, Brother." Trent yawned as Clay walked out.

Clay snuggled into the couch, his comforter pulled under his chin. The hydroxyzine quickly put him to asleep. Waking hours later he realized that he had a dream, not a nightmare.

Trent was brewing coffee and light was filtering through the window. He should probably get up and shower but instead he pulled the comforter higher savoring the warmth while half awake. He had slept well, dreamed of his grandparents and could smell fresh coffee. He had a good feeling about today and wasn't even fully awake yet.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N 1~ NSFW. **

Stella set her phone down on the bar while ordering a drink at the department holiday party. It was scheduled for mid November to allow for the finalization of the semester without distraction but in her mind it was odd and premature. A Christmas party is basically what it was and before thanksgiving. As she waited for the bartender she chatted with Amanda and a few other colleagues.

Her phone vibrating on the bar and lighting up with an image of Clay was not how she expected her evening to go. Amanda rolled her eyes. Stella grabbed her phone and walked away. Her co-workers would never understand and she didn't need them to, at all.

"Hey." She answered while walking outside into the cool evening air.

"Hey, you busy?" Clay sounded tired.

"Not at all." Stella walked toward the parking lot her high heels clicking on the pavement.

"I was umm wondering if maybe you wanted to meet up for coffee or something?" Clay was nervous.

"Maybe a decaf." She laughed looking to the digital clock display and seeing it was almost eight at night.

"You're right. I should have called earlier. We can meet up tomorrow if you'd rather?" He'd put off calling until Friday but then procrastinated until after dinner. He wasn't sure if he'd been trying to give her an out or orchestrating one for himself.

"Clay are you at home?" She felt as though he would keep rambling if she let him.

"Yeah, well no. I've been staying with Trent for a bit. I'm at Trent's." Clay looked around the living room that had more than once become his place to crash and thought that maybe it was time to ask for the spare room and a set of keys.

"Text me the address. I'm on my way." Stella hung up before he had a chance to argue or make excuses.

Trent came out of the bathroom after showering and putting his walking boot, that he wasn't actually allowed to walk on yet, back on. Clay was folding his blankets and piling his dirty laundry into the hamper in the corner. Trent watched for a minute before interrupting.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Hey um I hope it's okay but uh I called Stella and she's gonna stop by... if that's okay with you?" Clay imagined this must have been what it felt like to be a teenager within the normal structure of American society.

"Yeah that's cool. You guys going out or staying in?" Trent sat in the recliner.

"I'm not sure actually."

"Well if you guys are good I'm gonna head to bed soon. If you leave take my house keys so you can get back in they unclip from the truck key, okay?"

"Yeah thanks." Clay was grateful his brother didn't seem to mind the intrusion.

"No problem. Night brother." Trent crutched back into his bedroom.

"Night Trent." Clay was anxious about seeing her. It was a mix of fear and excitement that he wasn't used to outside of missions. He thought about that for the few minutes it took to hear her pull into the driveway, the headlights through the window sweeping across the light brown living room walls.

Clay walked to the door before the car out front was turned off. He stood halfway on the porch as she opened the car door stepped out. She was wearing a cream colored sweater and navy blue dress pants that fit her perfectly and flared just slightly above the strappy heels she was wearing. From the outfit he knew she had lied. It was late on a Friday evening, he was expecting sweatpants not fitted and clinging in all the right places dress clothes. He expected her old jogging sneakers not straps and fresh polish.

"Hi." The wind blew the curls in her hair and she stepped onto the porch.

Clay opened the door wider and stepped back inside. "Hey. If you had plans you should have just said."

"It's fine. Just a department function no one really wants to attend. I showed my face that's what counts." She smiled up at him.

Clay exhaled and moved to the couch. He wasn't sure how or where to start this conversation. He knew from talking to both Trent and Mike that it needed to happen but knowing and doing were totally different things. Clay had always seen himself as a doer until lately.

Stella followed unsure what to expect and taking in Trent's house. Clay looked up and watched her as she looked around. "Trent's in his room. You're safe. If you yelled he'd be here in a second or two." Stella immediately turned to him.

"Clay I was just looking around... it's nicer than I expected. Didn't think any of you guys decorated. I feel safe with you... now." Stella held eye contact.

"But you were scared and you were right to be." He looked away, his eyes welling with tears.

"I was." Stella sat beside him. "Do you know what I was most afraid of?"

"Me. That I was going to hurt you? I wanted to Stella, that's why I hit the wall instead." She shifted closer. Her hands on either side of his face turning him toward her.

"Clay I was terrified that you had lost yourself. I knew that a part of you wanted to hit me and I won't lie and say I wasn't scared... I was but I was more scared for you than of you."

Clay's heart was racing and his breath caught it his throat. He had so much he wanted her to know but could figure out how to tell her. "I'm sorry." It would have to do.

Stella leaned forward until their foreheads were touching. "I forgive you, Clay. Please forgive yourself."

Clay's hands wrapped around her back pulling her closer. Stella had forgotten what it was to be wrapped up in Clay Spenser. She closed the distance until their lips touched. Clay ran a hand up the soft fabric of the back of her sweater until it was tangled in her hair. Stella deepened the kiss as Clay leaned back into the couch. Before he knew what was happening Stella in one motion was straddling him. He moaned into her mouth as their hips met. Stella sucked on his bottom lip before moving down to his jaw bone and then neck. Clay let his head fall backwards enjoying her touch as her hands moved to his chest. He felt his control slipping as he lifted his hips to meet hers grinding down and he released an audible groan. "Stella." He was practically growling as he said her name before grabbing her hips with both hands stilling them. "Stella no. Not like this. Not on Trent's couch."

Clay wanted more than anything in this moment to bury himself in her but he needed to stop, to think, to do this the right way this time. "Okay." She shifted back to sitting beside him. Her cheeks were flushed and she was struggling to catch her breath. Clay had to look away before he lost his sense and changed his mind. Stella stood and took a step away trying to control the urge she had to climb back into his lap.

"Stella, would you like to go to dinner tomorrow?" Clay asked while still sitting on the couch trying to conceal how much he enjoyed their encounter.

"I'd love to." She turned to look at the pictures of Bravo placed around the room desperate to distract herself. Clay smiled realizing what she was doing.

"Umm I'm gonna take a quick shower." He blushed when she turned back to him with a knowing smile. "If you want to stay we could watch a movie or something?"

"Yeah that sounds good."

When he returned to the living room Stella was curled up on the couch wearing a pair of his sweat pants and a Bravo t-shirt. "Hope you don't mind, I borrowed some comfy clothes."

"Not at all." Clay smiled. "You pick the movie."

Trent was surprised to find both Clay and Stella curled up on the couch the next morning. As he quietly went to the kitchen to start coffee he considered giving Clay the spare bedroom, an actual bedroom, if the sleepovers became a thing. Coffee in hand he sat at the table and scrolled on his phone.1

**A/N2 ~ I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter. I also don't really know if I'm good at writing these types of scenes. It is what it is though. Hope you all enjoyed and reviews are always welcome. **


	33. Chapter 33

Trent sat at the drinking coffee with his aching left foot propped up on another chair when she slowly walked into the kitchen. He set his phone down and looked at her. Last nights make-up was still on although it looked to him as if she had cried a bit and the current rubbing of her eyes wasn't helping it. Her hair was tangled and she was attempting to smooth it with one hand when she looked up to see she wasn't alone in the room.

Trent smiled at her surprised look. "Coffee?"

"Yeah" she pulled Clay's sweatpants higher on her hips as he pointed to the pot.

Trent waited until she joined him at the table before asking. "How'd you sleep?"

"Better than you'd expect for sharing a couch." She sipped at the coffee. "Wasn't planning to stay the night. Sorry." Stella was suddenly aware that she had tried to take things too far last night and would have if Clay hadn't stopped them. Her cheeks flushed as she remembered the feeling of Clay's body below hers.

"No problem." Trent noticed her blushing while sipping his own coffee. "Clay slept well?"

"I think so." Stella looked back up to him. "How'd you sleep?"

"Foot woke me a few times but other than that alright I guess." Trent looked tired.

"Trent, you look exhausted. You've been looking out for him and trying to heal for a month now, huh?" Stella suddenly realized what Clay had meant all the times he had tried to explain that these men were not simply his co-workers. She had seen it at the cabin but the meaning hit her while sipping coffee with him this morning.

"It's all good. Been nice having something to do." Trent shrugged.

"I'm sure." She smiled to him not totally believing him but not arguing. "You hungry? I can make some breakfast if you want? I assume you two have basically been surviving on take-out with that foot and Clay's inability."

Trent laughed. "Davis has fed us a couple timesbut yeah and I'm not sure there are even any groceries here."

"Well I'll run to the store. It'll only take a few." Stella stood to go change her clothes.

"Hey uh Stella, you might want to wash your face too." Trent chuckled.

"I can imagine." She smiled back before grabbing her clothes and going into the bathroom.

Clay woke up alone on the couch. In his half asleep state he remembered Stella curled into his side as they watched a movie he didn't remember. Sitting up he noticed her clothes that had been neatly folded on the recliner were gone.

"Hey." He walked to the coffee maker wondering how long Trent had been awake.

"Morning. Stella will be back soon." Trent took another sip of coffee.

Clay turned to face him. "Uh she was here when you woke up?" Trented nodded and resumed the game on his phone. "Nothing happened. We just watched a movie and fell asleep."

"Nothing happened?" Trent smirked at him. "Seems like you screwed up then." He outright laughed.

"I mean I wanted it to but... I also want to be sure." Clay stirred vanilla cream into his coffee. "And we were on your couch."

"Yeah speaking of that I was wondering if you wanted to maybe move into the spare room?" Trent wasn't sure how long Clay's stay would last but he actually did like having him around and would like his living room back.

Clay sipped his coffee and thought about being alone in his apartment again. "Yeah. I was thinking maybe of moving. All I see in that place... I need a change."

"So you'll take the spare room and we'll clean out your old place."

Clay stood to meet Stella in the living room with bags from rhe grocery store. "There's more in the car." She moved around him and into the kitchen smiling at Trent as she passed.

Clay was surprised by the amount of groceries in her car but loaded the bags on his arm and went back inside. He'd need to make another trip. "You leave anything at the store?"

"Well I was thinking that maybe I could make some things to freeze roday so you guys are actually eating real food?" She turned back to while putting away things in the refrigerator. "And I was thinking maybe we could go to lunch and then have the guys over for dinner tonight if it's okay with you Trent?"

Trent nodded watching their interaction in his kitchen. He was grateful he had called her even if he hadn't realized at the time that this would be the outcome. Stella pulled out her phone and sent a text message.

"I can call the guys." Clay reached for his phone.

"I messaged them." She continued what she was doing without looking at him.

After breakfast Stella put chicken into a crockpot she had purchased while out. Trent had gone into the living room and was sitting in the recliner with his foot up and on a pillow while watching a documentary and half dozing. Clay threw the throw blanket over him and moved back into the kitchen with her.

Standing behind her while she added spices to the crockpot Clay put a hand on her shoulder. She looked back at him and smiled as he hugged her from behind. His head lowered into the crook of her neck he whispered "Thank you."

"I'm going home to shower and change before lunch." She turned in his arms so she was facing him. He inhaled the scent if her lavender shampoo.

"Okay I'll see you in a couple hours then." Clay loosened his hold on her.

Trent woke about an hour later and shifting noticed two things immediately. His entire house smelled like homecooked food and Clay was asleep on the couch with an open book across his chest.

Trent lowered the footrest and sat up. Clay shifted in his sleep and the book slipped to the hardwood floor. Clay opened his eyes at the noise. He looked confused.

"You dropped your book."

"What time is it?" Clay sat up.

"Time for you to shower and get dressed for your date."

"Yeah probably should." Clay stood. "You need anything?"

"I'm good." Trent could see both his apprehension and excitement. It would be the first time they'd been truly alone together in a very long time. Clay smiled and headed to the bathroom with clean clothes in hand.

She was early. She opened the door while knocking softly. "I hope I didn't wake you."

"I was up. Pretty Boy is in the shower." Trent smiled at her.

"Pretty boy?" Stella's eyes widened questioningly.

As Clay exited the bathroom he could hear both Trent and Stella laugh as Trent explained the incident at the toy store and the million nicknames Sonny had given him. "So you're my competition then?"

"I'm not sure about that." Clay smiled walking into the room and watching Stella hand Trent a bottle of water to go with the sandwich he assumed she had made.

"Hey, you ready?" She smiled at him. Clay smiled back looking at her in much more comfortable clothes.

"I am." Clay turned to Trent. "Should be back in an hour or two. You good?"

"Yes. Go. Have fun. And Clay stop at the hardware store on your way home and get a few duplicate keys made, will ya?" Trent took a bite of the turkey sandwich.

"Yeah brother." Clay took her hand before walking out.


	34. Chapter 34

Stella tucked her hair behind her ear and laughed at something he was saying while leaning closer. He reached across to her plate and took another of her French fries. The food was cold at this point but neither cared. When the young waitress dropped the check Stella mentioned having cooking to do and they headed back to Trent's and now Clay's house.

Clay couldn't remember the last time he had felt this happy or relaxed but a small part of him couldn't help but wonder how long it would last. He tried to push the thoughts aside but as he drove back to Trent's they kept coming back and he drove right by the hardware store. He could feel Stella's eyes on him as he took a deep breath and tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts.

By the time he pulled into the driveway and turned off his car he was fully aware that he was practicing sniper breathing. Stella sat silently next to him for a few moments before turning towards him. "What can I do?" Clay could feel his heartrate increase. The last thing he wanted was for their first 'date' to end like this.

His fingers were tingling. Clay felt out of control and while he was sure he was breathing the way he should be he also knew he obviously wasn't because he was hyperventilating. "Get Trent." He could feel himself gasping and the sting of tears in his eyes as she jogged toward the house.

Trent was reading an article on his phone when the door flew open revealing a slightly panicked Stella. "Clay needs you." It was all she had to say before he was on his crutches and moving toward the driveway. Stella stayed in the house.

Taking three deep breaths she paced in the living room before moving to the kitchen. 'Trent has him' she repeated to herself as she went about meal prepping for the week, planning what they would eat when she wasn't here to help them avoid fast food and take-out.

She listened as the door opened. Listened as Trent talked quietly. Listened but couldn't quite hear what he was saying. Listened until it was silent and she continued to stir, mix, whip, and cook.

Peeling potatoes with her back to the doorway she didn't notice when Trent stepped into the kitchen. "He's settled. I sedated him." Stella jumped and dropped the peeler.

"Shit Trent!" She spun around holding her left hand in her right. "Damn it." Tears welled in her eyes as blood dripped.

"Crap Stella I'm sorry." Trent crossed the kitchen grabbing paper towels from the counter. "Sit down, let me look."

Stella sat while Trent lifted both her hands above her head and pried her right from her left replacing it with the towels. "It's not bad. Just bleeding a bit." Trent held pressure on the cut for a moment. "Gonna grab my kit."

"I'm sure it's fine, Trent." A tear slipped down her cheek.

"One to ten? How bad does it hurt?" Trent contemplated the possibility of a nerve being cut. Knowing it was too shallow for that. The guys didn't usually cry over cuts and scraps. "Stella, one to ten?" He repeated when he didn't receive a response.

"Umm a one or two. It doesn't really hurt just stings." Another tear ran down her face.

Trent placed his free hand on her shoulder. "You're okay." He continued to hold pressure to the cut with the other above her head.

"I know. Honestly I'm not sure why I'm crying and I feel pretty stupid so if we could just pretend I'm not." She looked down.

"Hasn't been easy lately, no one would say it had." Trent lowered her arm. "Gonna grab my kit and wrap that for you."

Trent clean the cut and wrapped it tight enough to keep preasure but loose enough not to hurt. As he was was finishing up and cleaning his used supplies she turned to face him.

"Trent, this is what my life is now. I'll get there, I will, but is it okay to sometimes still cry?" Stella locked eyes with him.

"Yeah it is. I cried the day we found Sonny. No one but Davis knows that... but Stella you might want to invest in waterproof mascara and maybe get Naima's number tonight because she's better at this stuff." His small smile was reassuring.

"I think you're pretty okay at it but I'll do that. Thank you, Trent. Wanna help peel potatoes while I wash my face again?" She smiled back at him.

"Sure." He grabbed the peeler from the floor and hopped to the sink to wash it.

Two hours later Clay woke up on the couch with a vague memory of sending Stella to get Trent. He'd have to apologize for it he was sure. For a second he wondered if she was even still here or if he had scared her away forever this time. Then from the kitchen he heard Trent's laugh and the sounds of cooking. Her laughter joined Trent's and his heart swelled. She hadn't left.

Walking into the kitchen he found Trent at the table layer a lasagna while Stella stood at the stove stirring on of multiple pots. "Hey Brother you're on dish duty." Trent chuckled at him.

Clay nodded. "Sorry about earlier."

Stella turned to loom at him with confusion written across her face. "No reason to be." She waved her hand in the air.

Clay crossed the kitchen immediately. "What happened?" He was instantly concerned.

"Oh it's nothing. Just a slip. Trent fixed it up." She allowed him to turn her wrapped finger in his hand.

"She's a trooper. Everyone should be here soon. Also I was serious about you doing dishes, no water on that hand and I'm a one footed." Trent said while sprinkling cheese on the pasta in front of him.

"Of course." Clay still looked worried.

"I'm good, really." Stella turned back to the stove grateful Trent had gone along with how minor the incident had been.

The lasagna together Trent stood. "I'm gonna change before dinner."

Alone with her Clay leaned against the counter. "You're good?"

"Clay it's a finger. One of the Navy's best medics says it's good, you trust Trent. It doesn't even need stitches. I'm good."

"I wasn't actually talking about your finger." Clay looked up at her eyes from her hand.

She stopped stirring and took a step closer to him. "I'm okay. Are you?"

"Yeah. Hasn't been that bad in a bit but yeah I am."

"What happened? Do you know?" She placed her right hand on his bicep.

"I was thinking about how good things were... and they usually don't stay good." His voice cracked slightly.

"Come here." As Stella wrapped her arms around him there was a knock on the door.


	35. Chapter 35

Wrapped in her warm arms in the kitchen Clay ignored the knock at the door. She was whispering in his ear but he wasn't listening to words only the comfort of her surrounding him. She smelled of lavender and lilac and as he inhaled her he felt safe for the first time in years.

The commotion from the other room finally broke the spell as he heard Trent yell "Shit" and Sonny's voice say "I got ya." Releasing his hold on her he turned in time to see Royar running full speed into the kitchen having knocked into Trent on the way and Sonny holding their brother up. Scoping the child up he held the boy close knowing the child needed to be scolded but refusing to be the one to do it.

"Royar! You have to be more careful." Lisa walked into the kitchen chasing the small boy who was now attempting to bury himself in his uncle. The wet tears seeped into his shirt as Lisa raised her voice.

"Hey buddy it's okay kiddo. Mama was just worried about Uncle Trent." The boy's sniffling broke his heart.

"Come here Monkey, you're fine little man." Sonny entered the kitchen. Lisa sighed gaining Stella's attention.

"Hey Lisa can you give me a hand?" Stella provided the break Lisa clearly needed.

"Of course." Clay walked with the child still wrapped in the strength of his arms into the living room. "He can be a handful and being his Mom was pretty sudden." Lisa looked down feeling defeated for making the boy cry.

"I don't know if I could do it. If it had been Clay." Stella's words trailed off.

"I'm not sure I could play your roll for Sonny so I suppose we're even." She smiled at Lisa while handing her a potato masher.

Laughter from the living room was like music as they finished making dinner. Stella smiled as Lisa declined the wine offered. Lisa blushed.

"So?" Stella wasn't usually one to pry but being with Clay's team brought it out of her.

"No. No just maybe thinking about it... I don't know. I never saw this life but now I have it. Does that even make sense?" Lisa was whispering and seemed almost embarrassed.

"All the sense in the world." Stella turned toward the living room. Watching Clay play with toy trucks racing them across the floor with Royar. Trent sat in the recliner with his foot propped up and away from the game below. Sonny was laughing on the couch. The door opened and Cerb ran through the game causing the boy to giggle as the dog immediately licked his face. Brock laughed at both the boy and Cerb's reaction to him. Jason followed him inside carrying a case of beer.

When Ray and Naima arrived a short time later Jameelah carried a book and sat quietly reading. RJ immediately joined Royar with the toy trucks relieving Clay of entertaining the child. Although everyone agreed Clay looked slightly disappointed to have lost his playmate.

Brock went to Jameelah and sat beside her on the floor in the corner. "Hey kiddo what's wrong?"

"Uncle Brock I'm not a baby. I just want to read and be left alone okay?"

"Well... sometimes I like to be alone too." Brock smiled at the preteen.

Standing up she turned to say "Then I'd think you'd understand. Uncle Trent can I go read in your room?"

"Of course Baby, you know you can." Trent had called her baby since the day she was born so the roll of her eyes was a bit unexpected as she stomped into his room shutting the door harder than necessary but not quite slamming it.

"Ray you mind if I talk to her?" Clay was already standing as Ray moved to address his almost teenage daughter's behavior.

"You wanna walk into that hornet's nest go right ahead Spenser." Ray sat back down as Clay stepped to the door.

Cracking the door and leaning inside Clay looked at his niece. "Me or your Dad?"

"You. Because God forbid people just leave me alone." Clay tried not to smile at the teenage attitude showing itself.

"Jam what's going on? You're not mean to Brock and Trent." Clay shut the door and sat at the foot of the bed.

"Am I the only one who thinks this is all insane? I mean really Uncle Clay... you spoke at his funeral and now he's just back from the dead and everyone is just supposed to pretend that isn't traumatic as hell!" Jameelah ranted.

Clay's laughter immediately brought tears to her eyes. "No Jam don't cry. I'm not laughing at you baby. It is completely absurd and at twelve you see it and addressed it. I'm laughing because none of the adults have yet." Clay looked her in the eyes. "Jameelah if it makes you feel any better I'm not at all okay with anything that's happened in the last two years. Especially speaking at his funeral."

"Uncle Clay I think that might actually make it worse. You're an adult... You're supposed to pretend for me." A tear slipped down her cheek.

"You're not one of the little ones Jam. And you pointed it out." Clay moved closer.

"But you still all call me baby." She slid into his side.

"And they all call me Kid. And probably always will." Clay's blue eyes sparkled as he smiled at her.

**A/N~ This is basically a filler chapter to get us to the next point in this work and eventually the ending. The last scene between Clay and Jameelah was entirely a response to The Cadence of Vanishing by burnmedown. If you haven't started reading that GO NOW! Thank you again for all the kind words and reviews. I'm going to focus on this work until completion before anything else. However if anyone has any prompts for this piece or the next don't hesitate to leave it in the reviews or PM me. Hope you enjoyed and have a great night. **


	36. Chapter 36

_She came in smiling asking about dinner. He wanted to be alone. To drink away the hurt. She looked at him with a mix of pity and anger._

_"You need help Clay. You're not alright and you haven't been since he died. It's time to start moving forward." Her words cut into his soul and filled him with rage. "You can't drink him back to life Clay."_

_His fist colliding with the drywall didn't ease the ache. Drinking Sonny back was never his intention. It was far more simple than that. He just didn't want to remember he was gone. Didn't want to see the fear in his friend's eyes or feel the hoarseness in his own throat from screams that somehow went unheard._

_Defiantly she looked up to him. Her eyes filled with a terror he never wanted to see in her. For a moment he wondered if she saw in him the battlefield that had taken his brother._

_Dust swirled around them caking their eyes, drying their mouths. "I'm telling you right NOW to go high Kid! They're pinned the fuck down. GO!" Sonny was basically screaming in his face. The panic in his eyes wasn't something Clay had seen before and forced him into action._

_Climbing as high as he could go above the valley Clay fired multiple shots and secured exfil for the majority of Bravo. Turning back to the position he had shared with Sonny, to where he had left Sonny he couldn't breathe. Tangos everywhere and no red smoke... Sonny's position was suddenly the target of their air support. He screamed into his comms for the pilots to abort, to divert and watched in horror as the ground was engulfed in flames._

_Clay barely made it to the exfil point. Ray asked. Jason yelled. Brock pleaded with his eyes. Trent grabbed him by his shoulders, shaking him. The sound of Trent's voice finally breaking through the stillness to figure out where Sonny was. Clay stared at his brothers and opened his mouth only to close it again. Turning he pointed to the hillside where they had lost Sonny. The ground scorched and desolate. There were no words. His brothers were surrounding him now but he is alone here._

He woke violently. His heart slamming against his ribcage. The sweat pouring from him making him shiver. His hands trembled. The nausea had him sitting up in the swaying hammock as he gagged and swallowed trying desperately not to vomit.

He climbed from the hammock and moved to the net seating that lined the C-17. Rocking back and for to the rapid beat of his own heart he attempted to slow the rhythm with his breathing.

It had been a month since Bravo was returned to active duty and 8 since they had found their brother in Iran. The pieces had seemed to fit back together as if the puzzle hadn't been lost in the toy bin. Yet here he was using and failing at every damn coping skill the therapists had provided.

He was breathing. He was counting. He had tensed and released all his muscles at least five times now. Nothing seemed to be calming him.

The mission had been simple. Nothing dramatic, nothing traumatic, nothing unexpectedly going to shit. The intel had been accurate. The mission as close to flawless as possible. And as his brothers slept soundly Clay hyperventilated.

Sitting with his head tipped back and eyes clenched shut he held onto the netting as if it were a life preserver. Counting down from twenty he reached seven before he gagged and started the counting again.

Like a wave the panic rose and ebbed within him. With each rise the nausea increased and his breathing became more ragged, more gasping than smooth. Each exhale releasing less air. Each breath causing more panic than calm.

So he rocked more and tried more. Tried to breath, tried to relax, tried to calm himself to no avail. Hyperventilating was eventually supposed to make you lose consciousness and he hoped it happened soon. His fingers were numb and his head spinning but he remained awake and aware. As aware as anyone currently experiencing a full blown anxiety attack could be, maybe slightly more only due to his training.

He knew his brothers were asleep. He knew Cerb was whimpering from his crate. He knew Mandy, Davis, and Blackburn were at the other end of the plane. He knew any of his brothers would wake if he called out to them. He knew Trent would sedate him if necessary and he knew he was freaking out on their first mission back. That fact alone inevitably might end his career as a tier one operator, he knew.

So he rocked, gagged, sobbed silently, breathed while counting, and hoped he would pass out soon. He thought for a split second about getting a beer from the cooler but reconsidered thinking of his shaking hands. If this didn't subside soon he knew he would have to work the problem in a different way. A different way meaning alerting someone to his complete lack of control.

It was the sound of his dog whining that brought Brock from his deep slumber. The gasping noises had him sitting up in his hammock. The sight of Clay crying and rocking forced him to stand and intentionally knock into Trent on his way to his brother.

Trent wanted to yell when he was suddenly woken but the soft whispering stopped him. As he listened he heard Brock's calm voice. The gagging had him up and reaching for his med bag before he knew the who or why of the situation.

Jason woke knowing he hadn't slept long enough. There was a bone tiredness present that's only cure was more sleep. Trent's voice sounded gruff and sleep filled. He was telling someone to just puke. Why was Trent trying to make someone vomit. Brock's tone was soothing as he whispered reassurances. What the hell was happening. Jason sat up to see Clay flanked by two of his brothers.

As Jason walked between the hammocks he trapped both Ray and Sonny. Squatting in front of Clay and taking the garbage can from Trent's hands he realized the problem. The hand on his shoulder caused him to glance up. Sonny tilted his head and Jason stood.

"Clay I need you to listen to me. I know you're tryin' real hard Brother. I know ya don't wanna puke but Trent says to do it so stop tryin' not to okay?" Sonny's words seemed to finally break through to him.

He continued to rock after vomiting but slowly his breathing started to even out. Releasing each breath was easier. He could no longer feel every beat of his own heart. The tingling of his fingers has let up and while still shaking his hands no longer violently trembled.

Brock sat next to him with his hand tracing slow circles on his upper back. Trent was on the other side speaking encouragements slowly. Sonny sat back on his ankles in front of him after removing the garbage can. Jason and Ray stood closely as Ray offered a water bottle. His team surrounded him as he slowly regained control.

"I'm so sorry." His voice was hoarse and thick with tears still threatening to fall. "I could get it together."

"But you did Clay." Trent spoke softly.

"No... you guys..." His sentence trailed off.

"No. Clay you did it. We just sat with you." Trent stood. "Now get back to bed. We debrief when we land."

Climbing back in his hammock Clay could feel the eyes of his brothers on him. Months ago he would have resented their concern, would have felt belittled by their watchful gaze, now he felt safer for it. Swinging slightly he was lulled back to sleep.


End file.
